Over 5 years

Five years gone in the blink of an eye! My baby girl is a kindergartener at the very school I teach at, and my baby boy is 3 years old! I'm so happy I have this blog to look back on and even happier I have it for others to read.. for them to know they aren't alone ; )

Spring is in the Air

I love Spring. After the winter we had with almost 80 inches of snow, I am so glad to be getting outside. My tulips are in bloom, the sun is shining(not today actually) and it just feels.. happy. I always forget how much I adore this season until the first few days of it. Even the smell makes me smile.

Brynn is amazing. I think the hardest part about being her mother is restraining from talking about her non stop.. I could do it. Don't tempt me. Every move she makes amazes me! She discovered her voice two weeks ago and talks all day long. I was in a store last week and my mom had her right outside the doors. The entire time I could hear my girl yelling. It's too cute for words. I really mean that. I can't describe the joyfulness in her voice. My girl. Living and breathing and yelling! It was surreal to me while I waited in line. That I can HEAR my child. You would think at some point that I will have accepted that I have a child, but to be honest, I'm still in awe. She'll be 4 months old this weekend. 4 months???? You mean 4 weeks right? The time is flying. I must have read that line from other mamas a million times, but to experience it is insane. I guess it's why everyone talks about it. And here I am talking about it. Like it's never been said before. For those of you still waiting on your miracle, you'll see. Easy for me to say, I know I know. But you will. You will. You'll be writing about how fast time is going by too.

I have to mention that I dress this girl up like a doll. I had a photographer come and do a tutu photo shoot. I mean.. this is girly on crack. Brynn Elizabeth is the first girl in my family in 25 years! And the FIRST in F's family. I plan to doll her up as long as I can. I'm pretty sure I'm forcing her into Tomboyhood. Who cares. She's my Brynn and I love her. .. Oh and she LOVES me too. Listen, I have been an aunt for 28 years!!! SInce I was 5. I LOVE being an aunt. My nephews are so great. The relationship I have with one of them is never to be replaced. HE is my buddy for life. But One thing I love about being a mommy.. and this might be selfish, I love that I am her first choice. I finally get to be the mom. The first pick. The one she'll want when she's hurt, or sad or maybe even happy. She'll want me. All of the time put in raising her will have the greatest pay out. My baby wants me. She can't love me like I love her of course. I'm the fool in love, but I am her mother. God I love that word... now.

How did I get so blessed???? Do I appreciate everything more? Good questions that I guess I'll never really know the answers to. I'm willing to be at peace with that. I have a beautiful little girl. Who just happens to sleep from 7 to 7. Who just hapens to be smiley. Who just happens to make my whole life better. Who just happened to bring me back from the dead. She saved my life. The wait for her at this point seems like a small price.

Hold on to your hopes girls. The pain you feel will leave you someday. You NEVER know what is right ahead of you. My prayers are with you that your wait will be over very, very, very soon.

More than I ever expected.

I can't possibly sum up my feelings about being a new mother. I am blessed with a great baby. Not only is she adorable beyond words but this kid is GOOD! She sleeps through the night with one bottle, loves bath time, smiles all the time(and NO, I don't think it's GAS! ; )

Bragging new mom.... HELL TO THE YES!

I keep thinking to myself that this is all so much better than I even dreamed. It seems so natural too. I took Brynn for a walk today and was thinking about this time last year. Man.... Night and Day. IF will ALWAYS be a part of me. Always. I hate to say this, but some of the IF trials I went though have made this whole experience better. For me. I speak only for myself. God, I never thought I would have these thoughts. Am I really grateful for all the pain? Now, from the other side of IF.. the answer is yes. I hope that it turn out this way for all of you.

In Love

Brynn Elizabeth made her debut! I am speechless. There are no words for this kind of love.

Due Today

It takes effort to blog here for me. I don't know why. I check my blog every day. I read other people everyday. Writing just doesn't seem to be something I have a drive to do. I guess it could be a million things. Maybe I only wrote through the bad times, maybe it reminds me of bad times, maybe I'm more superstitious than I thought. Whatever the case may be, I am forcing myself to write on the day I have waited for since April 6, 2009.

Today, at my last Dr. appointment, I sat in the waiting room and started to think about when all of this began. I thought about the day we went for the iui and some funny things that happened to me and F that day. I was laughing to myself and letting myself savor the last days of this pregnancy. I remembered telling F that this was it and I knew it worked. I remembered him being shocked at my optimism. It was so different from the previous year and a half. I was peaceful then and I have a peace now too. This pregnancy has been the blessing of my life so far. I said to a friend that now, and ONLY now I may just even feel blessed to have gone through what I did. I see so very many differences in myself. I am stronger. I am happier. I take nothing for granted with this baby. I see differences in me compared to the pregnant women around me too. As many pregnancies surrounded me before mine, just as many happened during mine. I hear the normal complaints, I hear the "I can't believe it happened so fast" comments. I listen to people say I can't wait until this is over and I hear them say I am going to miss sleeping and just packing up and going. I am different. I remain quiet. I am careful not to expose the ridiculous amount of joy I have. I am careful to blend in amongst the other mommies to be, but I think that compared to some of them, I am so lucky. I fought long and hard and it changed this entire experience. I ALWAYS dreamed of mommyhood. I know I would have been happy no matter when I was blessed with this gift, but it's impossible to not appreciate it more than average after traveling to hell and back. Just. Impossible. I'm overwhelmed and in denial and excited and bursting with excitement and seeing my daughter for the first time.

I have dreamed of the day of writing a letter to my baby. I have held off. But today, on my due date, the only one I have ever reached, seems like the absolute perfect time to do it. I want it to be here. I want it to be now.

Dear Little B,

I have dreamed of the day I would write you this letter. I have dreamed of letting you know with words how I feel at this magical moment in my life. The first thing I want you to know is that I have never ever been happier in my life. Waiting for you to arrive and having you become my daughter has been the greatest joy in my life so far. I feel like no other baby ever born has been wanted so much. You are everything to daddy and me.

We talk about you all the time. We even make fun of you. We call you the "Big Girl" because my belly is so big. We imagine you coming out with a personality like me but you seem wild like your daddy. When he blows raspberries on my belly you jump every time. When I drink cold water you get as far as possible from my stomach. I think you like being warm. Every move you make brings us joy. We are the luckiest people on Earth because you are ours.

We may not know what you look like. We don't know the sound of your cry or your likes and dislikes. We have guesses though. I think you'll be blonde and blue eyed like daddy. When I see pictures of you they tell me you have chubby cheeks. A picture of your feet tells me you have daddy's feet too! In two days, I'll finally know the answers to the questions I have about your looks. The truth is, none of it matters to me. You are my daughter and I love you forever. We waited so long for you and nothing has been more worth the wait. Daddy and I look forward to doing lots of fun things with you. We can't wait to take you to the beach and to watch you open presents from Santa. You are loved beyond any words I can say or write. You are meant to be mine. I know that in my heart. It was you who I waited for my whole life. I can't wait to see you, hold you, teach you and watch you grow. Only two more days little girl. Life is about to change for you and for me.... forever.

I love you,
Mommy

Well hello there!

It's been an eternity since I have posted but certainly not since I have been reading up on everyone. Everything is going well. I have 5 weeks and 5 days left to go! Although judging by the size of me.. not that long probably. I haven't had too much to write about.. until now.

One of my greatest friends in the world. One of the ONLY two who helped me every step of the way through my ups and downs of IF, may be experiencing it too. She was so wonderful to me and I am feeling completely guilty for informing her so much about everything I went through.. because now I think I have instilled fear in her. She isn't actually trying yet, but she and her husband decided to go off the pill about 3 months ago. Well, still no period. I sent her to my gyno because she needed a new one anyway. After bloodwork he instantly decided to send her to a specialist.. my specialist. I am happy she is getting checked out, I am happy they have an idea of what they think her problems may be, but I am sick for her that she is now walking in the doors to all of these places that I spent 18 months crying to her about. She is staying positive because she has no reason not to be yet, but all I can think of is the fear she must have. How could she not wonder if her road ahead wil be like mine. Logically, everyone is different and her journey will be completely different, but the world of logic goes right out the door with IF doesn't it!

Well, my baby shower is this Sunday and I can't wait. I still have to pinch myself on a daily basis. Is it all real yet?? NOPE! But getting there every day. Wishing the best AS ALWAYS!!!!!

So much to be grateful for

I had an ultrasound this morning and was so tired that I just wanted to get home. After my nap I realized that I needed a reality check. It was such a short time ago that I was emotionally wounded because I couldn't keep a pregnancy. Now I get to look at my little girl on screen and I am so truly blessed. This miracle is none other than just that. She kicks me now and flips all over and opens and closes her mouth. I have pictures of her little feet and it's honestly almost too much to comprehend. It's as if no matter how real it seems to me now, it is still surreal. I have no clue if all woman feel this way or not but I sure do. I feel like each day I get closer to this dream I believed to be impossible. So glorious and miraculous and impossible.... for me.

A friend of mine is waiting to hear the results of her first IVF. I can't explain how hard I am praying and wishing for her. Because no matter how blessed I am, I wish I could pick each and every infertile woman out of infertility. It's so painful to go through and apparently, I need only to reread my posts to remember it all.. vividly. I sat here in tears rereading the beginning of my blog. It was almost a year ago and even though I expressed my sadness to a point, I was much much worse. I had no idea how to express it, and words aren't always enough. I remember crying in the middle of the night. I remember the jealousy. I mean PURE jealousy at other pregnant women. Not the I'm happy for you but I wish I had it kind of jealousy. I'm talking the I wish I was pregnant instead of you kind. I visualize this pain as a hole in my heart because it's exactly what it felt like. I honestly HATE that so many still have to deal with this hole. I HATE that reading this post might make someone feel sad. I know how deeply it hurts.

Now I have so much to be grateful for. Not only for this little lady, but because I am whole again. Every pair of maternity pants I buy, every time someone tells me I look big or cute, every time I feel my daughter move, I feel as though I am living in one of my previous daydreams. I can't believe it's me. I am picking colors for her nursery and getting ready to register. I am preparing to be a mommy. God gave me what I asked for and I am too overwhelmed to begin to put my thankfulness into words.

My baby isn't just a hypothetical anymore. I talk to her and rub her in my belly and know that she will never know how much I love her. It's not possible. As always, I wish the best for ALL of you.