In Love

Brynn Elizabeth made her debut! I am speechless. There are no words for this kind of love.

Due Today

It takes effort to blog here for me. I don't know why. I check my blog every day. I read other people everyday. Writing just doesn't seem to be something I have a drive to do. I guess it could be a million things. Maybe I only wrote through the bad times, maybe it reminds me of bad times, maybe I'm more superstitious than I thought. Whatever the case may be, I am forcing myself to write on the day I have waited for since April 6, 2009.

Today, at my last Dr. appointment, I sat in the waiting room and started to think about when all of this began. I thought about the day we went for the iui and some funny things that happened to me and F that day. I was laughing to myself and letting myself savor the last days of this pregnancy. I remembered telling F that this was it and I knew it worked. I remembered him being shocked at my optimism. It was so different from the previous year and a half. I was peaceful then and I have a peace now too. This pregnancy has been the blessing of my life so far. I said to a friend that now, and ONLY now I may just even feel blessed to have gone through what I did. I see so very many differences in myself. I am stronger. I am happier. I take nothing for granted with this baby. I see differences in me compared to the pregnant women around me too. As many pregnancies surrounded me before mine, just as many happened during mine. I hear the normal complaints, I hear the "I can't believe it happened so fast" comments. I listen to people say I can't wait until this is over and I hear them say I am going to miss sleeping and just packing up and going. I am different. I remain quiet. I am careful not to expose the ridiculous amount of joy I have. I am careful to blend in amongst the other mommies to be, but I think that compared to some of them, I am so lucky. I fought long and hard and it changed this entire experience. I ALWAYS dreamed of mommyhood. I know I would have been happy no matter when I was blessed with this gift, but it's impossible to not appreciate it more than average after traveling to hell and back. Just. Impossible. I'm overwhelmed and in denial and excited and bursting with excitement and seeing my daughter for the first time.

I have dreamed of the day of writing a letter to my baby. I have held off. But today, on my due date, the only one I have ever reached, seems like the absolute perfect time to do it. I want it to be here. I want it to be now.

Dear Little B,

I have dreamed of the day I would write you this letter. I have dreamed of letting you know with words how I feel at this magical moment in my life. The first thing I want you to know is that I have never ever been happier in my life. Waiting for you to arrive and having you become my daughter has been the greatest joy in my life so far. I feel like no other baby ever born has been wanted so much. You are everything to daddy and me.

We talk about you all the time. We even make fun of you. We call you the "Big Girl" because my belly is so big. We imagine you coming out with a personality like me but you seem wild like your daddy. When he blows raspberries on my belly you jump every time. When I drink cold water you get as far as possible from my stomach. I think you like being warm. Every move you make brings us joy. We are the luckiest people on Earth because you are ours.

We may not know what you look like. We don't know the sound of your cry or your likes and dislikes. We have guesses though. I think you'll be blonde and blue eyed like daddy. When I see pictures of you they tell me you have chubby cheeks. A picture of your feet tells me you have daddy's feet too! In two days, I'll finally know the answers to the questions I have about your looks. The truth is, none of it matters to me. You are my daughter and I love you forever. We waited so long for you and nothing has been more worth the wait. Daddy and I look forward to doing lots of fun things with you. We can't wait to take you to the beach and to watch you open presents from Santa. You are loved beyond any words I can say or write. You are meant to be mine. I know that in my heart. It was you who I waited for my whole life. I can't wait to see you, hold you, teach you and watch you grow. Only two more days little girl. Life is about to change for you and for me.... forever.

I love you,
Mommy

Well hello there!

It's been an eternity since I have posted but certainly not since I have been reading up on everyone. Everything is going well. I have 5 weeks and 5 days left to go! Although judging by the size of me.. not that long probably. I haven't had too much to write about.. until now.

One of my greatest friends in the world. One of the ONLY two who helped me every step of the way through my ups and downs of IF, may be experiencing it too. She was so wonderful to me and I am feeling completely guilty for informing her so much about everything I went through.. because now I think I have instilled fear in her. She isn't actually trying yet, but she and her husband decided to go off the pill about 3 months ago. Well, still no period. I sent her to my gyno because she needed a new one anyway. After bloodwork he instantly decided to send her to a specialist.. my specialist. I am happy she is getting checked out, I am happy they have an idea of what they think her problems may be, but I am sick for her that she is now walking in the doors to all of these places that I spent 18 months crying to her about. She is staying positive because she has no reason not to be yet, but all I can think of is the fear she must have. How could she not wonder if her road ahead wil be like mine. Logically, everyone is different and her journey will be completely different, but the world of logic goes right out the door with IF doesn't it!

Well, my baby shower is this Sunday and I can't wait. I still have to pinch myself on a daily basis. Is it all real yet?? NOPE! But getting there every day. Wishing the best AS ALWAYS!!!!!

So much to be grateful for

I had an ultrasound this morning and was so tired that I just wanted to get home. After my nap I realized that I needed a reality check. It was such a short time ago that I was emotionally wounded because I couldn't keep a pregnancy. Now I get to look at my little girl on screen and I am so truly blessed. This miracle is none other than just that. She kicks me now and flips all over and opens and closes her mouth. I have pictures of her little feet and it's honestly almost too much to comprehend. It's as if no matter how real it seems to me now, it is still surreal. I have no clue if all woman feel this way or not but I sure do. I feel like each day I get closer to this dream I believed to be impossible. So glorious and miraculous and impossible.... for me.

A friend of mine is waiting to hear the results of her first IVF. I can't explain how hard I am praying and wishing for her. Because no matter how blessed I am, I wish I could pick each and every infertile woman out of infertility. It's so painful to go through and apparently, I need only to reread my posts to remember it all.. vividly. I sat here in tears rereading the beginning of my blog. It was almost a year ago and even though I expressed my sadness to a point, I was much much worse. I had no idea how to express it, and words aren't always enough. I remember crying in the middle of the night. I remember the jealousy. I mean PURE jealousy at other pregnant women. Not the I'm happy for you but I wish I had it kind of jealousy. I'm talking the I wish I was pregnant instead of you kind. I visualize this pain as a hole in my heart because it's exactly what it felt like. I honestly HATE that so many still have to deal with this hole. I HATE that reading this post might make someone feel sad. I know how deeply it hurts.

Now I have so much to be grateful for. Not only for this little lady, but because I am whole again. Every pair of maternity pants I buy, every time someone tells me I look big or cute, every time I feel my daughter move, I feel as though I am living in one of my previous daydreams. I can't believe it's me. I am picking colors for her nursery and getting ready to register. I am preparing to be a mommy. God gave me what I asked for and I am too overwhelmed to begin to put my thankfulness into words.

My baby isn't just a hypothetical anymore. I talk to her and rub her in my belly and know that she will never know how much I love her. It's not possible. As always, I wish the best for ALL of you.

It's a..

GIRL! I am so ecstatic. A little girl. Of course I would have been happy either way, but a little girl is like a dream come true. I can't believe I am this lucky. I keep trying to think that all of this was waiting for me when I was in the trenches of IF and i just couldn't see it. I am so happy.

I respect everyone's opinion on whether to find out or not. I always have. To each their own, but I HAVE to say this. Anyone who thinks it's not a surprise when you find out beforehand could not be more off. I was shocked and thrilled and cried my eyes out. It was the best moment of my life so far and I mean that. I got to tell everyone myself what I was having. F and I got to share the moment and I am so happy we made the choice to find out. I am so happy we know her. The excitement of getting used to saying "she" has been a thrill and our whole family is so excited to meet her.

Now I get to look forward to the Greatest moment of my life..seeing her face. This one will tide me over until then though ; )

I Hate WAITING!

Not much to blog about lately. School's out for summer, I am four months pregnant, I am heading to Hawaii for two weeks on July 16th, and I find out the sex on July 14th...... 2009 is turning out to be more than I EVER dreamed of. Maybe it's my turn after a HORRIBLE 2008. Either way, I'm loving life right now and hope all of you are too!

The End is Near

At my RE office. They told me today that I graduate next week. I can't believe it. What happened? When did this happen? All the nurse's were saying how fast it went and I can't believe it, but I agree. I am a little scared but happy at the same time. Is this real? Am I going to have a baby? Ridiculous questions to some people at almost 10 weeks pregnant, but I am asking them nonetheless. The little muffin was wiggling around today and I have been on the verge of tears(of joy) all day.

I hate rereading this blog. I never hear me. I have always been the life of the party/ funny girl but this blog is so dark. I guess it's where I can see what IF did to me. How it changed me. But I want to put an end to the darkness. I need to find a way of writing the real me. I am so happy to b pregnant. I hope it will catch up to me that it means I will have a baby in 7 months from today. FROM TODAY. I am baffled and confused and can not seem to make the connection. I bet all pregnant women feel like this at least for a minute.

9 Weeks and a LONG day

So I think I have mentioned repeatedly how tired I am. It's seriously ridiculous. Now, I have always been a tired person. I have always enjoyed naps after work. I'm talking like 2 hour naps too. But lately, I get no relief from the naps or sleeping. I wake up tired! I was in bed by 9:15 last night until 7:15 am. A very good night's sleep right?? Well then why now at 11:30 am am I yawning in front of my poor students too tired to talk? I am literally too tired to teach. Thank god I need to catch up on writing assignments which require a lot of independent work on their part. Small favors....

Now to top this off, I usually drive home like a maniac so I can be napping by 3:30. I am very lucky for my teacher's schedule right now. BUT.... dun dun dun dun... I am starting school for my masters tonight. 4:15 to 9:30. The old me would have cringed at the thought of this. This version of me is seriously wondering how I am going to make it. Right now I feel like I could sleep standing up. Put me in a class for 5 hours and there is NO telling what will happen. I am staying away from caffeine but do you think that I could splurge on Tuesdays?? I don't know. I doubt I will. But this is scary to me. Sleep is Priority numero uno at this point.

I am not complaining about being tired. In fact, of all the pregnancy symptoms to get, it's not too bad. I mean, I havent felt sick more than twice so I am pretty lucky. I would gladly accept (maybe with a few complaints) anything I have to do to get a healthy baby here, but darn it if being exhausted every second of the day doesn't make it difficult to accomplish things! I am a neat freak whose house looks like it belongs to someone else. F tries to help but he works constantly and to be honest, he doesn't clean the way I like it to be done. I can handle a less than perfect house right now though. I just hope I get a little more energy soon so I can be of some use... to myself.

Enough rambling. Hope all is well.

8 weeks

I am happy today. Not that 8 weeks is a magical milestone, but I am happy because I am starting to believe I am pregnant. I know it may sound crazy but I have been trying so hard not to get excited that I didn't realize that it was actually working. Last Friday when I saw the heartbeat again at 166, I saw things from a new point of view. I saw my baby. So tiny and so new but I felt like I was withholding myself from this little guy( I keep saying guy). I felt sad for myself and the baby. No matter what happens, what is happening now is real and I am so happy to be here. I am still praying hard and taking special care, but here I am still getting great news on every doctor's appointment. I need to enjoy this. I need to start dreaming of the possibilities. I am already in love.

Ahh

I saw and heard the heartbeat today. 6 weeks 3 days 122 beats per minute. Amazing. I feel so lucky to be this far.

Yawn

I keep yawning all day long. In fact the only pregnancy symptom I seem to have is tiredness and yawning. That aside from my boobs hurting every two days. I am just going to consider myself lucky.

I honestly can't wait to go back to the doctor's on Friday. I am so looking forward to seeing the heartbeat. I have calmed down a lot and taken advice from other blogs to not worry so much about the things I can't control. I'm not sure if the people who wrote that had 3 miscarriages in a row, but in any case it's still good advice. A little tougher for someone like me, but good advice nonetheless.

She's Baaaack.

This is exactly what the nurse said when I walked into the doctor's office this morning. Granted, I have been in panic mode since I found out I was pregnant, but isn't that normal? I can't be the first person at the RE to be terrified of another loss right? I was embarrassed at first, but then I thought... Who the F cares. If I can come in more than average and get peace of mind, then so be it. I don't care WHO I annoy. But, I would like to say, I am a very quiet person (at the docs office anyway.) I don't rant and rave, I apologize repeatedly for being a pain. I love the people at the office buta little more understanding could be just what the doctor SHOULD order.

Anyway, how can I complain about anything when all I keep getting is good news. My hcg levels are "excellent" and today I saw the yolk sac. Now, if I can make it to net week to see the heartbeat, I may just start to relax ... a little.

Have a GREAT weekend!!!

Another obstacle down

I went in for my first ultrasound this morning. I am only 5 weeks so all we saw was a black dot. he doctor said it looks perfect. I am getting excited but trying to still guard my emotions.... Fat Chance! I wish I could be as positive as my doctor. He said " It looks absolutely beautiful. It couldn't look any better." I was like "Uh yeah ok." He said congratulations to me and then to "dad". I think F almost teared up.

I am going to enjoy this. I am pregnant. No matter what happens, right now, I am pregnant. The fear will probably never subside and I just have to face that. I am praying for myself and all f you too.

Beta #3

732!! Now I am going to sit back and relax and enjoy. Whatever happens is out of my hands and I read in another blog earlier that I can chose to worry every second, or I can enjoy what I have right now. Three Great betas mean I need to enjoy this milestone.

BTW, I should play 723 in the lottery. My second beta was 273!

My First Sigh in Two Days

273.

Thank you so much for your pryers and positive thoughts. I will write back more when I stop shaking.

I can't Stand it

I need to let it out.

So, the reason I "knew" the other pregnancies were failing were because I lost all my symptoms over night. Literally, overnight. So I woke up this morning and my boobs don't hurt nearly as bad. I know people will say try to relax and everything else, but how can I when this is exactly what led to the demise of the others? I go in for my second beta tomorrow but I feel like I already know what the results will be. I did before. It's just impossible for me not to compare. I am so afraid that this is just another notch on my "loss belt." I just don't want to be sad again. It takes a lot out of me. I swear I wasn't myself again after the last one for many months. I want to avoid that almost as much as I want a baby.

Keep praying for me. I need it so much now.

I took a test

*If today is a bad day for you STOP here.*

I got a BFP this morning! I am very guarded though. I can't go over the moon excited as I have been in these shoes before.. three times. I woke up at about 6:30. I couldn't go another day without testing. I FULLY expected to see negative but I didn't care. I just wanted the curiosity OVER with! The wondering was getting to me and since I am on progesterone, I was seriously acting like a crazy woman! SO.. I took the test, watched the second line form and paced the house for about 5 minutes. I am grateful, but a little sad that all I really feel right now is... terror. This could very well happen to me all over again. Another loss. I know I shouldn't approach it like that, but the time I let myself get fully excited was almost too much for me to handle when it didn't work out. I called the doc immediately and didn't even tell F. I just went to the doc.


I have off this week since I am a Philadelphia public school teacher so I was lucky I could head right into the doctor's. I was shaking the whole drive there. In fact that's all I actually remember about the drive haha. Anyway, they took my blood and congratulated me and told me they would call with the results. Well, they just called. My 13dpo beta is 100. Is that ok?? I know the last one I had was 50 on day 15, so I know this one is better, but is it too low? Oh god these are the thoughts only someone with IF would ask. Other people just get to be happy! Boo hoo for me I know, BUT I will say that the pain of getting this far and lsing it is worse to me than having a negative test. I have got to be guarded even though I know I am stronger this time than I was last time. Please pray for me. This is truly my scariest time. I need to try to relax!

The Waiting Game

So I am 9 DPO and have few more days to see if the iui worked. I am not over analyzing or anything, but this wait really never gets any easier does it. Put that on top of 35 day cycles too. I am on day 29 which for many women would mean the end of the wait. Not me. But I guess I h=can have some hope for a few more days. If this doesn't work.... Well I'll talk about that if it happens. I can handle it.

I started acupuncture this week! The woman told me she thinks she can help me. She honestly was more thorough with me than any of my doctors. She asked questions about everything. It felt really good to have someone so interested in my own particular story. She said she tailors to people because everyone is so different. She offered suggestions and I don't know why, but I felt really ... Right. Like I knew what she was saying was right.

She told me to keep losing weight, not that I'm obese but I could definitely stand to lose some. She said that I may want to take a break from clomid and I agree. It's not really getting me anywhere. I am going back to see her next Tuesday. I have to mention also, that I left the place Extremely Relaxed! I didn't talk the whole way home, not because I had nothing to say, but becuse I was relaxed and content being quiet.

So, wish me luck in the next few days! I'll take what i can get; )

IUI Numero Dos

Took approximately 5 seconds. The doc said again "Ok hopefully this is it and you're pregnant.' This time I was fine with it and may have even chuckled. I am thinking I must still be as positive as last week. I have a weird feeling that me going back to church a few weeks ago may just have something to do with it. Does that sound crazy? Like all of a sudden I have a new strength and outlook. It's not my nature to be so blindly optimistic. I like it. I hope it stays haha.

Oh, and for the first time in my 5 cycles on clomid I had TWO eggs rather than just my one. Does that double my chances?? I have no information on this. I told F that he should get ready for twins. Who am I these days? I am even alright with the fact of it not working. I keep telling myself that even a fertile woman could possibly not get pregnant during these 2 iui's as well.


I am sending my new found optimism out to all of you!! We deserve it!

Positivity and Springtime!

Because I have been extremely positive this month. Not that I am positive that the iui will work, but just positive in general. I feel more at peace with letting things happen in their own time. I don't know why but I just feel like it IS going to happen. I have no clue how long this new found positivity will last so I am trying to enjoy every second of it. I will most likely have my iui's this weekend and I am glad to get to this point again. Anyone have any advice for how many times you would try clomid plus iui?

I just wanted to say thanks for the well wishing and encouragement. It really helps. Keep praying for me! (I always include the infertile bloggers in mine; ) )

I am so excited that spring is almost here. I never remember how much I love it until it rolls around. I take full advantage of being outside because I wasn't able to for so long. Ok now don't roll your eyes but I would like to make another infertile analogy.

I love Spring but never as much as when it finally rolls around. I feel like I have to go through my least favorite season of winter before I can truly appreciate the Spring and all of it's glory. Maybe, that's what it will be like when I have a baby. Coming into spring after a long cold winter. I will appreciate it so much more.

Feel free to roll your eyes and smile haha. I just did when I reread the analogy. Who am I today?

Good News&Bad News but nothing monumental

Ok. You want the Bad news first right? My best friend emailed me yesterday and you guessed it... She's pregnant...... again. Now I know that shouldn't count as bad news and of course I don't mean the actual baby is bad news. But I have been trying since she was pregnant with her first. For her to be pregnant again really knocks me down. I am trying to stay positive, but 2009 has been awful so far. I sprained my back last week. I couldn't walk for three days, missed my nephews Confirmation ( I was his sponsor).I have a class trip tomorrow and am worried about the pain I will be in tomorrow night because I am throwing my hubby a party on Friday. I have no clue how I am going to set up for it since I can barely stand up straight!
I have been sick with 2 stomach viruses, and bronchitis, IuI #1 was a bust and I am surrounded by pregnant women. Literally, surrounded. I hear a new prego announcement weekly. I am horrible but I really can't bear another. It boggles my mind to think of how easy for some it is. Like my friend just took a test this week and has no qualms at a ll about telling me. It's foreign to me that a positive pregnancy test naturally equals a baby. Not for me times 1-2-3. (I thought rhyming might make that last line a little less grim.) Now I didn't cry with the announcement and I was so thankful to her for telling me through email a few days before the party n Friday. I told her that's how I would want to find out and she complied. It's never easy but at least finding out on email gives me a moment to comprehend my feelings. I prefer this so that when I get around to the Congratulations, I can really mean it. So I said it and all but to be honest, all I can think of is myself. I just keep globalizing my infertility. I wonder and wonder how long this journey will be. If it ends or if it doesn't. Could I still be here 2 months from now? 2 years from now? Forever?

The good news. I wish this one was a bit longer but,,
I usually only write on my blog when I have something bothering me and I NEED to let it out. I am so appreciative to the kind words you send back to me. Truly, it helps. Plus, I feel like maybe just maybe I am not as crazy as I think I am. So, I haven't been updating quite so often which is good news in that I am not only focusing on IF. (Even as I write this I am thinking this is a stretch for good news Bee.) I am trying to come up with other good news. I'm stumped. Of course there is always my hubby, he is wonderful and we are happy as ever so that's good. I guess my good news is weak. Hopefully I can post some good news soon. Anything.

So nothing monumental is going on. I sound like a boo hooer again. Oh and I am doing another IUI this month. Comid again Yippee! If anyone has advice to get me back to having more hope than cynicism PLEASE share. I would love to be that way again!!

Not Pregnant

The first two words I read today.

So I have to admit I had a pretty strong feeling it would say that. I know my ultimate goal is to see Pregnant, but when you have lost 3 pregnancies out of 3, that word is terrifying as much as it is exciting. I am ok. A little bummed the iui didn't work, I am pretty unsure of what to do next. I am thinking a repeat of this cycle.

In other news. I am sick AGAIN.I have no clue what is going on here in Philadelphia, but everyone seems sick and the cycle seems like it will never end. We had a snow day yesterday though so at least I got to rest.

Hope all of you are in good spirits and thanks to so many of you who encouraged me from the L&F board. It was so nice.

Why are you so happy?

Ok, I just spent 4 mornings in a row at the doc's office. Getting ultrasounds and 2 iui's. I would be lying if I said I had NO hope, but to be honest I would say I feel like I have a SMALL shot. I have become jaded enough to think I have a long way to go in this infertility journey. Hopefully not (This is the hope I am talking about.) But nonetheless, I am pretty realistic. (Please don't hold me to being strong when I actually get my period. I am going to need a day to get over it like every other month) But I am not thinking by any means that this has to be it. So as the doc was inseminating me, he was happy and excited and saying hopefully in 2 weeks we'll be getting some blood from you blah blah blah. I looked at him like he was crazy.

I am well aware that I do NOT want a doctor doom, but he was seriously optimistic. Part of me thought it was sweet, but the other part of me thought "save it doc, if this doesn't work and I get as excited as you, I will be the one who takes it that much harder. I know this from experience." I realize when I told my friend and mother in law about the iui, everyone wants me to be POSITIVE but I need to worry about preparing myself and protecting my heart. Isn't it true that we would LOVE to be naive and childishly optimistic? I would pay any amount of money not to be cynical each month. But this is what happens when you get disappointed month after month.

So, here's to being hopeful but somewhat prepared!

I am unpredictable

Today was the day my coworker decided to tell me about her pregnancy. Although I have "known" for over a month, I took it way harder than I predicted. I said all of the right things and so did she but I cried my eyes out the whole way home. Just to think all of these people around me get to see a positive pregnancy test and get excited, hear the heartbeat and eventually get their baby... It's really almost too much to bear. I am seriously wondering how I am going to deal with this every single day. Watching her get bigger and everyone around her be so excited and ask questions that I AM DYING TO BE ABLE TO BE ASKED. IT's her and it's so much more. It's that she has what I want. It's that I have to be polite and smile and on the inside I am screaming. So many of us got this unfair hand dealt to us. The lows that infertility can cause us to hit are cruel. Why is this so hard?

How much???

So I went to my new doctor for the first time today. I liked him a lot and he told me that he gets at least 1 new patient a week from my last AWFUL place. It made me feel great to know I was not imagining things. He said he has no idea why I am not pregnant as all of my work up looks good. He said my losses are unexplained. Hmm. Ok.

He also said he wants to get aggressive and get into shots. I am thinking yeah Ok sounds good. But he then explained they are about 1,000 dollars a month. Ouch. I am not broke but I do NOT have 1,000 a month to spare. Now I can do two months worth semi comfortably, but then what? Why oh why does the school district prescription plan not cover fertility meds??????? I already pay out about 2,000 a month in my current bills and my Husband pays out more than me. Did I mention I am a teacher? On a teacher's salary? How am I going to do this? How much more of this? I am happy I like my new Doc, but I have no clue what I am going to do about affording his AGGRESSIVE PLAN. UGH!

I'm Sick of Knocking Let Me In!

I know I don't have to ex[lain myself or rationalize my thoughts on here but somehow I feel the need to. I am having a really hard time dealing with "thinking" one of my friends (at work as well as outside of work) is pregnant. I can't be imagining the hints. I was after all in her shoes (3 unsuccessful times). She keeps complaining...and I mean CONSTANTLY about the following:

I am SOOOOOOO tired! What is Wrong with me????

I need a new wardrobe..like drawstring pants (The girl is very thin)
I am so hungry by 10:39 I feel ready to pass out.
I drink too much diet coke I need to drink Sprite (She once told me she HATES regular soda)
I started taking vitamins and they said you get sick from them but I didn't at all.

Believe me there are many more. I wish she would just say it. I know it's selfish and it IS NOT about me, but..to me it is. I am happy in my own way for her that she's ..Normal.

She once told me she knew how I felt the disappointment every month. (3 months)
I asked her if she had any idea how that sounded to someone trying over a year and LOST THREE PREGNANCIES? I forget her response but it was very close to: "No, But I do understand the disappointment." ....Not even close Honey.

At least I know that there are so many of us who have it MUCH MUCH worse than I do. Her comments to me (In my opinion) would be like me telling a woman who gave birth to a stillborn that "I understand.: NO I DON"T!

All of these thoughts had me thinking about so much else. Like the fact that my best friend has pictures of girls on her facebook from her mommy dates, but none of us who are childless. I mean seriously I just feel so extremely left out. Aside from the longing for baby..which is foremost, this is an aspect of infertility that is truly painful.

I feel like I am watching everyone I know through a window of a beautiful house. They are warm and laughing and having a great time and I am outside in the cold. They see me and wave to me smiling. They even try to talk to me through the glass but I can't really understand them. They don't now how cold it is or how badly I want to come in. I knock constantly but the door never opens. Well, I am sick of knocking, I want in!

And that was my rant for the day....Thanks, I needed that!

I Have crossed over into loony land

I am insane anymore. (Before I go on, know that I tend to use the word "insane" very loosely and often.) I am at the comlplete opposite end of the spectrum of even keeled. One minute I am thinking things will never work out like I want them too and the next, I am positive I have only a short time left of this purgatory. SO since I am insane, and ridiculously sick of writing this same thing over and over, I will tell you what my distractions have been in the past week.

For one, my birthday. I turned 32 this week and although the age doesn't at all bother me, I am just a little more anxious about being infertile. I like the security of not being "advanced maternal age" yet. Time is ticking, but come on. Why do I let these stupid phrases bother me? My mom was forty when she had my brother. And she had 5. F's mom was 38 when she had his younger brother and let's be honest, it's way different now. So 40 then is not what it is today. I would not even blink at at first time mother who was 40. My sister is 45 even and she looks so good that it wouldn't be a shock if she were to have another.

For two, my dad had a heart attack. This may have been #1, but he looks great and is doing pretty well. Not a distraction I would have hoped for.

For three. I started the book Twilight last Saturday. I am on book 3 already. Close to 1500 pages in less than a week(a week that included the above mentioned distractions.) I honestly can't believe how much I am in love with this saga. Although, I am a terrible sucker for a damsel in distress/ Romeo & Juliet type love story. I shouldn't be surprised that I love it so much. I should actually say the word obsessed. Hey what do I have to lose here right? I can get my nerd on in the eyes of the internet. Anyway, If you love to read and love a great love story....BUy it. Buy it as soon as you can......and please, make arrangements to be left alone. You probably won't resurface into the real world until you are finished all 4 books. Have a great weekend.

Is nowhere safe?

I seriously wonder why pregnancy and children are so in my face in the past few weeks. I feel like every corner I turn, I am hit with a new pregnancy. I don't know why, but babies being born isn't quite as hard. Maybe because babies are what they are....so stinking cute and such a happy occasion. Maybe also because I can't start envying babies until the pregnancy thing happens.

Anyway, the new place where I feel bombarded with baby news is....Facebook. I enjoy going on it and I feel like I am better in touch with the lives of the people I know in such a convenient way. Ok fine I love the stalking too. But I am realizing that EVERY time I go on anymore, I am seeing one announcement after another of a new pregnancy. COme on man. I could be a detective at this point because I can detect "prego" talk just by vague comments. The other thing is that I see so many of my friends having playdates. It seems unfair that my friends are getting to spend time and meet up pretty often because they have the eternal common ground of motherhood. I just saw my best friend commenting on an old college friend about her brand new pregnancy. She got married 2 months ago. Like..... taking..... a..... bullet.

I swear it almost takes my breathe away. Then I say, Get over it B! It's always there though. Obviously, because I have been complaining about it every day this week. I miss the sweet distraction of the holidays! When I was busy and excited and not at all focused on IF. I didn't even shed a tear when I got my period the day before new year's eve. Not one. I was too wrapped up in the parties and such. But the parties are over, I just passed my one year mark (January 7) of my first chemical pregnancy and the year stretched out ahead of me feels long. I even put off ordering a dress for my brother's wedding(I'm a bridesmaid) because I thought I could be pregnant and I need time to see what size I'll need. Oh man what a wishful thinker. Now I just hope I get to order a smaller size.

An odd thing. Of course I remember all the dates of my early preg. losses and they all have a 7 and are on birthdays of loved ones as well as St. Patrick's day. Jan. 7, March 17, July 7. Seven is NOT my lucky number. I hate 7.

Lots of rambling here today but I must admit I feel better! Got it all out. Until tomorrow!

Our Monthly Cycle is a Cycle of so many things during IF

I have to admit that the week after I get AF I never feel like writing let alone thinking about IF. I take a mental sabbatical from it all since it is the only time when I know I don't have to be doing anything or wondering if "Am I,...Am I not?" Then, the time comes around to start thinking about trying. I think this is the time I am most hopeful and positive. After this, the trying begins and finally the dreaded wait.

I learned really quickly about my body and when I ovulate, blah blah blah. Almost two months in, I knew my body's every move. But I didn't realize that I was on an emotional cycle too. Month after month, I go through the same feelings at the same times. In a way, it's comforting to know that when I am n the rough spot, I will come out on the other side hopeful again like I have so many months before. I can't predict how long this will last but for right now, I have it figured out.

I am happy to say that even though I teach other people's children for a living, I am so happy to be a teacher. I enjoy the time with the kids and I have been having so much fun with them. I laugh a hundred times a day at the little darlings and even when I have a bad day, I can't complain too much because I do have joy for a huge part of every day.

Now back to my biggest struggle right now, dealing with pregnant people. Actually, not all pregnant people. Some seem to bother me much more than others. Like the girl at work. I dread having to see her grow and beam. I have to constantly ask myself "Do you really want to burn all of these bridges just because you can't handle seeing someone prego?" What if I am blessed and it happens? Do I resume close relationships? I mean, I am all about protecting myself because I am the one who has to live with this, BUT how much understanding can I expect from people. I suppose it's all in the way it's done. Distancing myself I mean.

Going through my posts, I feel like such a whiner! This is not my WHOLE life, but this is where I need to come to be the whiny complaining woe is me self. I doubt it's acceptable anywhere else haha.

Well, Thanks for listening.

Getting things in line for 2009

Ok I am out of the game this month (Again). But I made an appointment at a new doctor's office today so at least I am doing something moving in the right direction. I feel a strong force to move ahead and get on with this!

One thing I am struggling with, (although not new feelings) is the inability to be GENUINELY happy for those around me pregnant. I mean, I wish my situation on NO ONE, but can't everyone wait to have a baby until I do? I don't think that's asking too much. Just wait until I have a successful pregnancy and then go right ahead! Well maybe I am a little bit happy for them BUT mostly I am just reminded of my own sadness.

That being said, everything else is great. Work, life. I set out to be more positive about the good things and for the most part I am succeeding. I hope everyone out there can too!

Happy NEW year! A new year.