The Waiting Game

So I am 9 DPO and have few more days to see if the iui worked. I am not over analyzing or anything, but this wait really never gets any easier does it. Put that on top of 35 day cycles too. I am on day 29 which for many women would mean the end of the wait. Not me. But I guess I h=can have some hope for a few more days. If this doesn't work.... Well I'll talk about that if it happens. I can handle it.

I started acupuncture this week! The woman told me she thinks she can help me. She honestly was more thorough with me than any of my doctors. She asked questions about everything. It felt really good to have someone so interested in my own particular story. She said she tailors to people because everyone is so different. She offered suggestions and I don't know why, but I felt really ... Right. Like I knew what she was saying was right.

She told me to keep losing weight, not that I'm obese but I could definitely stand to lose some. She said that I may want to take a break from clomid and I agree. It's not really getting me anywhere. I am going back to see her next Tuesday. I have to mention also, that I left the place Extremely Relaxed! I didn't talk the whole way home, not because I had nothing to say, but becuse I was relaxed and content being quiet.

So, wish me luck in the next few days! I'll take what i can get; )

IUI Numero Dos

Took approximately 5 seconds. The doc said again "Ok hopefully this is it and you're pregnant.' This time I was fine with it and may have even chuckled. I am thinking I must still be as positive as last week. I have a weird feeling that me going back to church a few weeks ago may just have something to do with it. Does that sound crazy? Like all of a sudden I have a new strength and outlook. It's not my nature to be so blindly optimistic. I like it. I hope it stays haha.

Oh, and for the first time in my 5 cycles on clomid I had TWO eggs rather than just my one. Does that double my chances?? I have no information on this. I told F that he should get ready for twins. Who am I these days? I am even alright with the fact of it not working. I keep telling myself that even a fertile woman could possibly not get pregnant during these 2 iui's as well.


I am sending my new found optimism out to all of you!! We deserve it!

Positivity and Springtime!

Because I have been extremely positive this month. Not that I am positive that the iui will work, but just positive in general. I feel more at peace with letting things happen in their own time. I don't know why but I just feel like it IS going to happen. I have no clue how long this new found positivity will last so I am trying to enjoy every second of it. I will most likely have my iui's this weekend and I am glad to get to this point again. Anyone have any advice for how many times you would try clomid plus iui?

I just wanted to say thanks for the well wishing and encouragement. It really helps. Keep praying for me! (I always include the infertile bloggers in mine; ) )

I am so excited that spring is almost here. I never remember how much I love it until it rolls around. I take full advantage of being outside because I wasn't able to for so long. Ok now don't roll your eyes but I would like to make another infertile analogy.

I love Spring but never as much as when it finally rolls around. I feel like I have to go through my least favorite season of winter before I can truly appreciate the Spring and all of it's glory. Maybe, that's what it will be like when I have a baby. Coming into spring after a long cold winter. I will appreciate it so much more.

Feel free to roll your eyes and smile haha. I just did when I reread the analogy. Who am I today?

Good News&Bad News but nothing monumental

Ok. You want the Bad news first right? My best friend emailed me yesterday and you guessed it... She's pregnant...... again. Now I know that shouldn't count as bad news and of course I don't mean the actual baby is bad news. But I have been trying since she was pregnant with her first. For her to be pregnant again really knocks me down. I am trying to stay positive, but 2009 has been awful so far. I sprained my back last week. I couldn't walk for three days, missed my nephews Confirmation ( I was his sponsor).I have a class trip tomorrow and am worried about the pain I will be in tomorrow night because I am throwing my hubby a party on Friday. I have no clue how I am going to set up for it since I can barely stand up straight!
I have been sick with 2 stomach viruses, and bronchitis, IuI #1 was a bust and I am surrounded by pregnant women. Literally, surrounded. I hear a new prego announcement weekly. I am horrible but I really can't bear another. It boggles my mind to think of how easy for some it is. Like my friend just took a test this week and has no qualms at a ll about telling me. It's foreign to me that a positive pregnancy test naturally equals a baby. Not for me times 1-2-3. (I thought rhyming might make that last line a little less grim.) Now I didn't cry with the announcement and I was so thankful to her for telling me through email a few days before the party n Friday. I told her that's how I would want to find out and she complied. It's never easy but at least finding out on email gives me a moment to comprehend my feelings. I prefer this so that when I get around to the Congratulations, I can really mean it. So I said it and all but to be honest, all I can think of is myself. I just keep globalizing my infertility. I wonder and wonder how long this journey will be. If it ends or if it doesn't. Could I still be here 2 months from now? 2 years from now? Forever?

The good news. I wish this one was a bit longer but,,
I usually only write on my blog when I have something bothering me and I NEED to let it out. I am so appreciative to the kind words you send back to me. Truly, it helps. Plus, I feel like maybe just maybe I am not as crazy as I think I am. So, I haven't been updating quite so often which is good news in that I am not only focusing on IF. (Even as I write this I am thinking this is a stretch for good news Bee.) I am trying to come up with other good news. I'm stumped. Of course there is always my hubby, he is wonderful and we are happy as ever so that's good. I guess my good news is weak. Hopefully I can post some good news soon. Anything.

So nothing monumental is going on. I sound like a boo hooer again. Oh and I am doing another IUI this month. Comid again Yippee! If anyone has advice to get me back to having more hope than cynicism PLEASE share. I would love to be that way again!!

Not Pregnant

The first two words I read today.

So I have to admit I had a pretty strong feeling it would say that. I know my ultimate goal is to see Pregnant, but when you have lost 3 pregnancies out of 3, that word is terrifying as much as it is exciting. I am ok. A little bummed the iui didn't work, I am pretty unsure of what to do next. I am thinking a repeat of this cycle.

In other news. I am sick AGAIN.I have no clue what is going on here in Philadelphia, but everyone seems sick and the cycle seems like it will never end. We had a snow day yesterday though so at least I got to rest.

Hope all of you are in good spirits and thanks to so many of you who encouraged me from the L&F board. It was so nice.

Why are you so happy?

Ok, I just spent 4 mornings in a row at the doc's office. Getting ultrasounds and 2 iui's. I would be lying if I said I had NO hope, but to be honest I would say I feel like I have a SMALL shot. I have become jaded enough to think I have a long way to go in this infertility journey. Hopefully not (This is the hope I am talking about.) But nonetheless, I am pretty realistic. (Please don't hold me to being strong when I actually get my period. I am going to need a day to get over it like every other month) But I am not thinking by any means that this has to be it. So as the doc was inseminating me, he was happy and excited and saying hopefully in 2 weeks we'll be getting some blood from you blah blah blah. I looked at him like he was crazy.

I am well aware that I do NOT want a doctor doom, but he was seriously optimistic. Part of me thought it was sweet, but the other part of me thought "save it doc, if this doesn't work and I get as excited as you, I will be the one who takes it that much harder. I know this from experience." I realize when I told my friend and mother in law about the iui, everyone wants me to be POSITIVE but I need to worry about preparing myself and protecting my heart. Isn't it true that we would LOVE to be naive and childishly optimistic? I would pay any amount of money not to be cynical each month. But this is what happens when you get disappointed month after month.

So, here's to being hopeful but somewhat prepared!

I am unpredictable

Today was the day my coworker decided to tell me about her pregnancy. Although I have "known" for over a month, I took it way harder than I predicted. I said all of the right things and so did she but I cried my eyes out the whole way home. Just to think all of these people around me get to see a positive pregnancy test and get excited, hear the heartbeat and eventually get their baby... It's really almost too much to bear. I am seriously wondering how I am going to deal with this every single day. Watching her get bigger and everyone around her be so excited and ask questions that I AM DYING TO BE ABLE TO BE ASKED. IT's her and it's so much more. It's that she has what I want. It's that I have to be polite and smile and on the inside I am screaming. So many of us got this unfair hand dealt to us. The lows that infertility can cause us to hit are cruel. Why is this so hard?