Hello. Bee are you there??

I am doing one thing over the next month. I am trying to find myself. I have been focusing almost totally on getting pregnant, and after having a meltdown on Saturday, I decided enough is enough. I need to be happy about other things again. The thing is, I am a lucky girl. I LOVE everything about my life. I have the greatest Husband, i could not have picked a better career for myself, I have a fun family. I have good friends. I have fun a lot.

So even as I write this, why am I not more grateful? I don't know but I plan to be. I decided that I will mark down the days I need to BD and after that I will do my VERY VERY VERY best not to count days or anything like that. I am not going to stop trying, but I am going to stop obsessing. My best girlfriend at work just told me she plans to start trying in May. Why does that feel like a sort of deadline for me? Will I always feel a sense of "Please let me be pregnant by then."

I need to let go of that.

Not Pregnant

So what else is new.

14 DPO

Things don't look good internet. My boobs stopped hurting and I feel that AF will be here by Sunday at the latest.

I woke up last night at 4 in the morning after a dream that I had a positive HPT. I woke up and I said out loud "No it was just a dream!" I couldn't fall back to sleep because I realized I lost my ONE symptom(sore boobs) and kind of lost it(my mind) for a good 5 minutes. This is seriously getting harder and harder. Clomid for nothing!! I am really sad today but trying to keep my cool. I just want a life without this CONSTANT disappointment.

I've been lapped.

I am so torn on whether or not I am being a selfish person. I have been dreading being lapped by my friends with their second babies. Last night was the first one. A few of my girls and I went to dinner last night and my friend said she was pregnant again. I was speechless while everyone else oohed and ahhed. I felt sick. I wanted to run to my car.

Then conversation about how she can't believe how fast it happened and she really can't believe she has to go through pregnancy again. I was dumbfounded. I could NOT believe she would say this in front of me. I mean I get that she deserves to talk about her pregnancy, but she couldn't filter talking about woe is me my belly is going to get so big again(She is a size 2). I really have been trying to deal with the fact that the world will go on if I don't have children, but is it too much to ask for your friends, your close friends, to be a little sympathetic. Even in the midst of their own happiness? Am I wrong? Because I keep trying to understand how I would be if I were on their side of the fence...I keep thinking I would be different.

Two weeks

Ok so I am back in the two week wait. It's been a few months and I do think I am a little better this time. I am not agonizing over how many days left to test or if I have any symptoms or not. Now I just think my big fear is getting another positive that doesn't last. It's not really a question of can I get pregnant.

In a way, I almost expect to get a BFP. Like that isn't the hurdle here. I decided not to test until at least 3 days after my period is due. Before that, and I may find the same old same old. But if I don't get it by the third day, I will assume a BFP anyway. This is a good theory but we'll see. All I can say is right now I am not obsessing. That is a milestone in itself.

Round and Round

I went in for my day 3 ultrasound today. I feel like I am on a carousel. Around and around I go, when can I stop--nobody knows. So yet again I saw someone new. A different nurse and a different doc. At least at this point I have seen all the docs so next time HAS to be a repeat. They are always nice and try to answer my questions but I still feel alone. Seriously, if someone asked me who my doctor is, I would have to say "uh I am not really sure." I get a new one each time. It feels like starting over almost every time I go.

The worst part was this, the doc who did my hysteroscopy said my polyp could have caused my miscarriages. BUT the doc today said it didn't. Wow. No one is sure? One lied? I am soooo lost.

In any case, I was given the green light to start trying again. Although I felt great about it the other day, I am just scared to death now. Am I really prepared to handle a fourth miscarriage? I know you can't really be prepared, but can I handle it I suppose is the better question. I am sure I will feel better later, but today I just have that run down feeling. Like pure exhaustion from the emotions of all this.

They upped my clomid dose. It seems that whenever I ask questions about my meds, they do what I say rather than informing me of why what they say is right. I forgot (like a bozo) to ask my MOST important question today too. WHY AM I ON CLOMID IF I OVULATE ON MY OWN? Does ANYONE have an answer to this???? To get a better egg is my guess. But I am sick of being my own doc. Someone guide me please.

When it comes down to it, I may need to search a new RE. Anyone know a good one in Philadelphia?

Positive!

No not an HPT, but my my attitude. I realized one little thing I have to be positive about today. I have already passed all of the so called deadlines that I had set for myself to be regnant by. I said I would be pregnant by this date and that, before I left school for summer vacation, before I came back from summer vacation. By the time we go here, and there. Now, this wedding we are about to go to on Saturday was the last actual deadline I gave myself. After I pass this, I am free in a way.