Hi ho Hi ho to the doctor's office I go

I feel like I have been living at the doctor's office lately. I had to go in again this morning for a day 13 ultrasound. I don't even really understand the results of it either. She said that I had two follicles developing. Oh ok. Now I am wondering, ..is that good? Bad? Why oh why didn't I ask? Part of me though is so exhausted from questioning and anything to do with this "work up" that I almost don't want to know anymore. The Infertility "file cabinet" in my brain is full. Maximum capacity at this point. I am goingto try to redirect my focus for a bit especially since this a non trying month. I might as well enjoy it.

I went back to work today to start getting my classroom back together. I was just waiting for someone to ask me if I had any good news to report, but luckily no one did. It's funny, I can go days without being even a litlle bit sad, but then something happens that triggers my emotion to go into overdrive. A girl I work with told me that she can't wait to start trying for a baby after her wedding last week. I am happy for her and I know she thinks we have this in common and we can be ttc buddies. At some point I am going to have to tell her I can't be that for her. I don't want to ruin her excitement, she is more than entitled to it, but if she gets preggo before yours truly,,,,I will not be in the best frame of mind. I am trying to prepare myself for this in someways already,but still. And in no way would I EVER wish a long journey for her, but everyone in this whole infertility community can understand that soo many of our feelings are two fold.

I am really starting to think that getting my baby is going to help me resurrect my old self. The less pessimistic girl I soooooooo miss. These are the kind of things that people who have never deal with infertility don't understand. It affects a person in more ways than you can understand. I wonder if I try REALLY REALLY hard, I can stop being negative and start retraining my thinking to be eternally positive no matter how long this takes. Is that even possible? I think I may need to try. Maybe next week.