Monday, August 25, 2008

Hi ho Hi ho to the doctor's office I go

I feel like I have been living at the doctor's office lately. I had to go in again this morning for a day 13 ultrasound. I don't even really understand the results of it either. She said that I had two follicles developing. Oh ok. Now I am wondering, that good? Bad? Why oh why didn't I ask? Part of me though is so exhausted from questioning and anything to do with this "work up" that I almost don't want to know anymore. The Infertility "file cabinet" in my brain is full. Maximum capacity at this point. I am goingto try to redirect my focus for a bit especially since this a non trying month. I might as well enjoy it.

I went back to work today to start getting my classroom back together. I was just waiting for someone to ask me if I had any good news to report, but luckily no one did. It's funny, I can go days without being even a litlle bit sad, but then something happens that triggers my emotion to go into overdrive. A girl I work with told me that she can't wait to start trying for a baby after her wedding last week. I am happy for her and I know she thinks we have this in common and we can be ttc buddies. At some point I am going to have to tell her I can't be that for her. I don't want to ruin her excitement, she is more than entitled to it, but if she gets preggo before yours truly,,,,I will not be in the best frame of mind. I am trying to prepare myself for this in someways already,but still. And in no way would I EVER wish a long journey for her, but everyone in this whole infertility community can understand that soo many of our feelings are two fold.

I am really starting to think that getting my baby is going to help me resurrect my old self. The less pessimistic girl I soooooooo miss. These are the kind of things that people who have never deal with infertility don't understand. It affects a person in more ways than you can understand. I wonder if I try REALLY REALLY hard, I can stop being negative and start retraining my thinking to be eternally positive no matter how long this takes. Is that even possible? I think I may need to try. Maybe next week.

Friday, August 22, 2008

The First Cut was the Deepest

I just woke up from what is becoming my routine nap after having procedures. I am more than happy to tell you that today's HSG was a LOT less painful than my hysteroscopy. In fact, The whole thing only took about 3 minutes. No sweat.

I looked and looked all over google for something that told me how painful it was, but I guess describing pain is pretty difficult. Besides, I am not even sure it is noteworthy in retrospect. All the humiliation was still there. Scoot down....further, further. I sometimes think though that I am more embarrassed of my thunder thighs than actually flashing my full frontal. I am not a huge person, but I definitely have some crazy thighs. I was thinking today that man, this doc may not be able to recognize one hoo ha from another, but there is NO WAY he will forget these thighs...

To make it worse, I saw the doc walking down the hall after my procedure and I am telling you, I was stunned at how small his butt was. I mean come on. I just had to bare it all and I have to see that this GUY is my dream size 2? Whatever.

I have a renewed sense of hope now after completing my Hyster and HSG. It's over and now just maybe my RE will give us the green light to get back into trying mode again. It will have been two months since we last tried and even though I am scared to pieces of repeating another chemical pregnancy, I am ready to get closer to the finish line. Or the starting line? Well, the finish line of infertility and the starting line of ...........a word that now is magical and mythical to me at this point....pregnancy.

Btw, this new sense of positive thinking has led me to:

A. Go on to check out paint colors for a nursery.(I have found a GORGEOUS shade of fucshia for my little girl.)
B. Actually proceed to checkout with a few new maternity clothes(I didn't buy,)
C.Make a bookmark on my computer for a nursery design idea that I love.
D. Type in my future child's nameon a personalized pacifier website.

So much for the one day at a time thing. I am mentally insane and only feel I can tell you this because I can't see or hear you making that face of "Wow, you is Krazy with a K.) My laptop how now become something I feel like I need to lock up. This is top secret obsession. Nursery photos. I would be less embarrassed of porn I think. That's like way less "krazy".

Thursday, August 21, 2008

It Starts

Ok so I know I know. Blogging is now a dime a dozen. I agree....But I suddenly felt a pang of envy for all those bloggers that I have read. I thought to myself, "Hey that must be nice to get all those feelings out and people are actually commenting along." So, I am doing it. I am a blogger. There I said it...

So my road begins with none other than my emotional turmoil right now. I have had three miscarriages and am trying desperately with F(my Husband) to make a baby. I mean come on. How hard can this be right?? I watch people all over the place do it. I am a teacher so I can see lots and lots of proof of this on a daily basis. So why not me? Not in the Nancy Kerrigan sort of way, but a legitimate question. One that I would REALLY love an answer to.

So I sought to find one. I was sent to a.....(drum roll....) Reproductive Endocrinologist. I walked in the office on the day of my appointment with F by my side. I think we were actually expecting to walk out pregnant. Well, maybe not pregnant, but definitely with extremely clear driection on how to become so. We were really excited. Well here I am months later, seeing a different doc eveytime I go. And guess what...No baby. As a matter of fact, no real answers either.

This week I am having my work-up done. "Oh ok sounds good." I said like the little pleaser I am when it comes to people that I think know more than me. SO I had a Hysteroscopy. They said it would be uncomfortable. Well let me tell you. It HURT!!!!!! I am not a complainer of pain. I don't run to the doctors for anything. In essence, I really think I have a good handle on pain. Now I know. I do not. I didn't let on too too much to the doctor but I was definitely screaming on the inside. Add that to the humiliation of seeing my "full frontal" on the sreen as the doctor brought the weirdo camera speculum towards me. Ugh. I almost have to laugh.

Doc found a polyp and said that it could be the cause of the miscarriages. I said "Excuse me but all three? Really?" He said.."Well polys are definitely associated with miscarriages." Now let me say. My docs are very nice. But I actually own a computer with internet access. Being home all summer with this tool is in my opinion, the equivalent of going to Reproductive Endocrinology School. I know A LOT. Graduated Summa Cum Laude I think. But The reason I go to the doctor is to find out what my body is doing. MY BODY. Not the stattistics or what is the "norm." I may share this when I go to my next procedure tomorrow.

Pray for me that it is better than the hysteroscopy yesterday.

I will be back to let you know the results. Or at least my version of the experience.