Monday, January 26, 2009

How much???

So I went to my new doctor for the first time today. I liked him a lot and he told me that he gets at least 1 new patient a week from my last AWFUL place. It made me feel great to know I was not imagining things. He said he has no idea why I am not pregnant as all of my work up looks good. He said my losses are unexplained. Hmm. Ok.

He also said he wants to get aggressive and get into shots. I am thinking yeah Ok sounds good. But he then explained they are about 1,000 dollars a month. Ouch. I am not broke but I do NOT have 1,000 a month to spare. Now I can do two months worth semi comfortably, but then what? Why oh why does the school district prescription plan not cover fertility meds??????? I already pay out about 2,000 a month in my current bills and my Husband pays out more than me. Did I mention I am a teacher? On a teacher's salary? How am I going to do this? How much more of this? I am happy I like my new Doc, but I have no clue what I am going to do about affording his AGGRESSIVE PLAN. UGH!

Friday, January 23, 2009

I'm Sick of Knocking Let Me In!

I know I don't have to ex[lain myself or rationalize my thoughts on here but somehow I feel the need to. I am having a really hard time dealing with "thinking" one of my friends (at work as well as outside of work) is pregnant. I can't be imagining the hints. I was after all in her shoes (3 unsuccessful times). She keeps complaining...and I mean CONSTANTLY about the following:

I am SOOOOOOO tired! What is Wrong with me????

I need a new drawstring pants (The girl is very thin)
I am so hungry by 10:39 I feel ready to pass out.
I drink too much diet coke I need to drink Sprite (She once told me she HATES regular soda)
I started taking vitamins and they said you get sick from them but I didn't at all.

Believe me there are many more. I wish she would just say it. I know it's selfish and it IS NOT about me, me it is. I am happy in my own way for her that she's ..Normal.

She once told me she knew how I felt the disappointment every month. (3 months)
I asked her if she had any idea how that sounded to someone trying over a year and LOST THREE PREGNANCIES? I forget her response but it was very close to: "No, But I do understand the disappointment." ....Not even close Honey.

At least I know that there are so many of us who have it MUCH MUCH worse than I do. Her comments to me (In my opinion) would be like me telling a woman who gave birth to a stillborn that "I understand.: NO I DON"T!

All of these thoughts had me thinking about so much else. Like the fact that my best friend has pictures of girls on her facebook from her mommy dates, but none of us who are childless. I mean seriously I just feel so extremely left out. Aside from the longing for baby..which is foremost, this is an aspect of infertility that is truly painful.

I feel like I am watching everyone I know through a window of a beautiful house. They are warm and laughing and having a great time and I am outside in the cold. They see me and wave to me smiling. They even try to talk to me through the glass but I can't really understand them. They don't now how cold it is or how badly I want to come in. I knock constantly but the door never opens. Well, I am sick of knocking, I want in!

And that was my rant for the day....Thanks, I needed that!

Friday, January 16, 2009

I Have crossed over into loony land

I am insane anymore. (Before I go on, know that I tend to use the word "insane" very loosely and often.) I am at the comlplete opposite end of the spectrum of even keeled. One minute I am thinking things will never work out like I want them too and the next, I am positive I have only a short time left of this purgatory. SO since I am insane, and ridiculously sick of writing this same thing over and over, I will tell you what my distractions have been in the past week.

For one, my birthday. I turned 32 this week and although the age doesn't at all bother me, I am just a little more anxious about being infertile. I like the security of not being "advanced maternal age" yet. Time is ticking, but come on. Why do I let these stupid phrases bother me? My mom was forty when she had my brother. And she had 5. F's mom was 38 when she had his younger brother and let's be honest, it's way different now. So 40 then is not what it is today. I would not even blink at at first time mother who was 40. My sister is 45 even and she looks so good that it wouldn't be a shock if she were to have another.

For two, my dad had a heart attack. This may have been #1, but he looks great and is doing pretty well. Not a distraction I would have hoped for.

For three. I started the book Twilight last Saturday. I am on book 3 already. Close to 1500 pages in less than a week(a week that included the above mentioned distractions.) I honestly can't believe how much I am in love with this saga. Although, I am a terrible sucker for a damsel in distress/ Romeo & Juliet type love story. I shouldn't be surprised that I love it so much. I should actually say the word obsessed. Hey what do I have to lose here right? I can get my nerd on in the eyes of the internet. Anyway, If you love to read and love a great love story....BUy it. Buy it as soon as you can......and please, make arrangements to be left alone. You probably won't resurface into the real world until you are finished all 4 books. Have a great weekend.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Is nowhere safe?

I seriously wonder why pregnancy and children are so in my face in the past few weeks. I feel like every corner I turn, I am hit with a new pregnancy. I don't know why, but babies being born isn't quite as hard. Maybe because babies are what they stinking cute and such a happy occasion. Maybe also because I can't start envying babies until the pregnancy thing happens.

Anyway, the new place where I feel bombarded with baby news is....Facebook. I enjoy going on it and I feel like I am better in touch with the lives of the people I know in such a convenient way. Ok fine I love the stalking too. But I am realizing that EVERY time I go on anymore, I am seeing one announcement after another of a new pregnancy. COme on man. I could be a detective at this point because I can detect "prego" talk just by vague comments. The other thing is that I see so many of my friends having playdates. It seems unfair that my friends are getting to spend time and meet up pretty often because they have the eternal common ground of motherhood. I just saw my best friend commenting on an old college friend about her brand new pregnancy. She got married 2 months ago. Like..... taking..... a..... bullet.

I swear it almost takes my breathe away. Then I say, Get over it B! It's always there though. Obviously, because I have been complaining about it every day this week. I miss the sweet distraction of the holidays! When I was busy and excited and not at all focused on IF. I didn't even shed a tear when I got my period the day before new year's eve. Not one. I was too wrapped up in the parties and such. But the parties are over, I just passed my one year mark (January 7) of my first chemical pregnancy and the year stretched out ahead of me feels long. I even put off ordering a dress for my brother's wedding(I'm a bridesmaid) because I thought I could be pregnant and I need time to see what size I'll need. Oh man what a wishful thinker. Now I just hope I get to order a smaller size.

An odd thing. Of course I remember all the dates of my early preg. losses and they all have a 7 and are on birthdays of loved ones as well as St. Patrick's day. Jan. 7, March 17, July 7. Seven is NOT my lucky number. I hate 7.

Lots of rambling here today but I must admit I feel better! Got it all out. Until tomorrow!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Our Monthly Cycle is a Cycle of so many things during IF

I have to admit that the week after I get AF I never feel like writing let alone thinking about IF. I take a mental sabbatical from it all since it is the only time when I know I don't have to be doing anything or wondering if "Am I,...Am I not?" Then, the time comes around to start thinking about trying. I think this is the time I am most hopeful and positive. After this, the trying begins and finally the dreaded wait.

I learned really quickly about my body and when I ovulate, blah blah blah. Almost two months in, I knew my body's every move. But I didn't realize that I was on an emotional cycle too. Month after month, I go through the same feelings at the same times. In a way, it's comforting to know that when I am n the rough spot, I will come out on the other side hopeful again like I have so many months before. I can't predict how long this will last but for right now, I have it figured out.

I am happy to say that even though I teach other people's children for a living, I am so happy to be a teacher. I enjoy the time with the kids and I have been having so much fun with them. I laugh a hundred times a day at the little darlings and even when I have a bad day, I can't complain too much because I do have joy for a huge part of every day.

Now back to my biggest struggle right now, dealing with pregnant people. Actually, not all pregnant people. Some seem to bother me much more than others. Like the girl at work. I dread having to see her grow and beam. I have to constantly ask myself "Do you really want to burn all of these bridges just because you can't handle seeing someone prego?" What if I am blessed and it happens? Do I resume close relationships? I mean, I am all about protecting myself because I am the one who has to live with this, BUT how much understanding can I expect from people. I suppose it's all in the way it's done. Distancing myself I mean.

Going through my posts, I feel like such a whiner! This is not my WHOLE life, but this is where I need to come to be the whiny complaining woe is me self. I doubt it's acceptable anywhere else haha.

Well, Thanks for listening.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Getting things in line for 2009

Ok I am out of the game this month (Again). But I made an appointment at a new doctor's office today so at least I am doing something moving in the right direction. I feel a strong force to move ahead and get on with this!

One thing I am struggling with, (although not new feelings) is the inability to be GENUINELY happy for those around me pregnant. I mean, I wish my situation on NO ONE, but can't everyone wait to have a baby until I do? I don't think that's asking too much. Just wait until I have a successful pregnancy and then go right ahead! Well maybe I am a little bit happy for them BUT mostly I am just reminded of my own sadness.

That being said, everything else is great. Work, life. I set out to be more positive about the good things and for the most part I am succeeding. I hope everyone out there can too!

Happy NEW year! A new year.