Why are you so happy?

Ok, I just spent 4 mornings in a row at the doc's office. Getting ultrasounds and 2 iui's. I would be lying if I said I had NO hope, but to be honest I would say I feel like I have a SMALL shot. I have become jaded enough to think I have a long way to go in this infertility journey. Hopefully not (This is the hope I am talking about.) But nonetheless, I am pretty realistic. (Please don't hold me to being strong when I actually get my period. I am going to need a day to get over it like every other month) But I am not thinking by any means that this has to be it. So as the doc was inseminating me, he was happy and excited and saying hopefully in 2 weeks we'll be getting some blood from you blah blah blah. I looked at him like he was crazy.

I am well aware that I do NOT want a doctor doom, but he was seriously optimistic. Part of me thought it was sweet, but the other part of me thought "save it doc, if this doesn't work and I get as excited as you, I will be the one who takes it that much harder. I know this from experience." I realize when I told my friend and mother in law about the iui, everyone wants me to be POSITIVE but I need to worry about preparing myself and protecting my heart. Isn't it true that we would LOVE to be naive and childishly optimistic? I would pay any amount of money not to be cynical each month. But this is what happens when you get disappointed month after month.

So, here's to being hopeful but somewhat prepared!

I am unpredictable

Today was the day my coworker decided to tell me about her pregnancy. Although I have "known" for over a month, I took it way harder than I predicted. I said all of the right things and so did she but I cried my eyes out the whole way home. Just to think all of these people around me get to see a positive pregnancy test and get excited, hear the heartbeat and eventually get their baby... It's really almost too much to bear. I am seriously wondering how I am going to deal with this every single day. Watching her get bigger and everyone around her be so excited and ask questions that I AM DYING TO BE ABLE TO BE ASKED. IT's her and it's so much more. It's that she has what I want. It's that I have to be polite and smile and on the inside I am screaming. So many of us got this unfair hand dealt to us. The lows that infertility can cause us to hit are cruel. Why is this so hard?