Hello. Bee are you there??

I am doing one thing over the next month. I am trying to find myself. I have been focusing almost totally on getting pregnant, and after having a meltdown on Saturday, I decided enough is enough. I need to be happy about other things again. The thing is, I am a lucky girl. I LOVE everything about my life. I have the greatest Husband, i could not have picked a better career for myself, I have a fun family. I have good friends. I have fun a lot.

So even as I write this, why am I not more grateful? I don't know but I plan to be. I decided that I will mark down the days I need to BD and after that I will do my VERY VERY VERY best not to count days or anything like that. I am not going to stop trying, but I am going to stop obsessing. My best girlfriend at work just told me she plans to start trying in May. Why does that feel like a sort of deadline for me? Will I always feel a sense of "Please let me be pregnant by then."

I need to let go of that.

Not Pregnant

So what else is new.

14 DPO

Things don't look good internet. My boobs stopped hurting and I feel that AF will be here by Sunday at the latest.

I woke up last night at 4 in the morning after a dream that I had a positive HPT. I woke up and I said out loud "No it was just a dream!" I couldn't fall back to sleep because I realized I lost my ONE symptom(sore boobs) and kind of lost it(my mind) for a good 5 minutes. This is seriously getting harder and harder. Clomid for nothing!! I am really sad today but trying to keep my cool. I just want a life without this CONSTANT disappointment.

I've been lapped.

I am so torn on whether or not I am being a selfish person. I have been dreading being lapped by my friends with their second babies. Last night was the first one. A few of my girls and I went to dinner last night and my friend said she was pregnant again. I was speechless while everyone else oohed and ahhed. I felt sick. I wanted to run to my car.

Then conversation about how she can't believe how fast it happened and she really can't believe she has to go through pregnancy again. I was dumbfounded. I could NOT believe she would say this in front of me. I mean I get that she deserves to talk about her pregnancy, but she couldn't filter talking about woe is me my belly is going to get so big again(She is a size 2). I really have been trying to deal with the fact that the world will go on if I don't have children, but is it too much to ask for your friends, your close friends, to be a little sympathetic. Even in the midst of their own happiness? Am I wrong? Because I keep trying to understand how I would be if I were on their side of the fence...I keep thinking I would be different.

Two weeks

Ok so I am back in the two week wait. It's been a few months and I do think I am a little better this time. I am not agonizing over how many days left to test or if I have any symptoms or not. Now I just think my big fear is getting another positive that doesn't last. It's not really a question of can I get pregnant.

In a way, I almost expect to get a BFP. Like that isn't the hurdle here. I decided not to test until at least 3 days after my period is due. Before that, and I may find the same old same old. But if I don't get it by the third day, I will assume a BFP anyway. This is a good theory but we'll see. All I can say is right now I am not obsessing. That is a milestone in itself.