Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Hello. Bee are you there??

I am doing one thing over the next month. I am trying to find myself. I have been focusing almost totally on getting pregnant, and after having a meltdown on Saturday, I decided enough is enough. I need to be happy about other things again. The thing is, I am a lucky girl. I LOVE everything about my life. I have the greatest Husband, i could not have picked a better career for myself, I have a fun family. I have good friends. I have fun a lot.

So even as I write this, why am I not more grateful? I don't know but I plan to be. I decided that I will mark down the days I need to BD and after that I will do my VERY VERY VERY best not to count days or anything like that. I am not going to stop trying, but I am going to stop obsessing. My best girlfriend at work just told me she plans to start trying in May. Why does that feel like a sort of deadline for me? Will I always feel a sense of "Please let me be pregnant by then."

I need to let go of that.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Not Pregnant

So what else is new.

Friday, October 17, 2008

14 DPO

Things don't look good internet. My boobs stopped hurting and I feel that AF will be here by Sunday at the latest.

I woke up last night at 4 in the morning after a dream that I had a positive HPT. I woke up and I said out loud "No it was just a dream!" I couldn't fall back to sleep because I realized I lost my ONE symptom(sore boobs) and kind of lost it(my mind) for a good 5 minutes. This is seriously getting harder and harder. Clomid for nothing!! I am really sad today but trying to keep my cool. I just want a life without this CONSTANT disappointment.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

I've been lapped.

I am so torn on whether or not I am being a selfish person. I have been dreading being lapped by my friends with their second babies. Last night was the first one. A few of my girls and I went to dinner last night and my friend said she was pregnant again. I was speechless while everyone else oohed and ahhed. I felt sick. I wanted to run to my car.

Then conversation about how she can't believe how fast it happened and she really can't believe she has to go through pregnancy again. I was dumbfounded. I could NOT believe she would say this in front of me. I mean I get that she deserves to talk about her pregnancy, but she couldn't filter talking about woe is me my belly is going to get so big again(She is a size 2). I really have been trying to deal with the fact that the world will go on if I don't have children, but is it too much to ask for your friends, your close friends, to be a little sympathetic. Even in the midst of their own happiness? Am I wrong? Because I keep trying to understand how I would be if I were on their side of the fence...I keep thinking I would be different.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Two weeks

Ok so I am back in the two week wait. It's been a few months and I do think I am a little better this time. I am not agonizing over how many days left to test or if I have any symptoms or not. Now I just think my big fear is getting another positive that doesn't last. It's not really a question of can I get pregnant.

In a way, I almost expect to get a BFP. Like that isn't the hurdle here. I decided not to test until at least 3 days after my period is due. Before that, and I may find the same old same old. But if I don't get it by the third day, I will assume a BFP anyway. This is a good theory but we'll see. All I can say is right now I am not obsessing. That is a milestone in itself.