Tuesday, August 11, 2009

So much to be grateful for

I had an ultrasound this morning and was so tired that I just wanted to get home. After my nap I realized that I needed a reality check. It was such a short time ago that I was emotionally wounded because I couldn't keep a pregnancy. Now I get to look at my little girl on screen and I am so truly blessed. This miracle is none other than just that. She kicks me now and flips all over and opens and closes her mouth. I have pictures of her little feet and it's honestly almost too much to comprehend. It's as if no matter how real it seems to me now, it is still surreal. I have no clue if all woman feel this way or not but I sure do. I feel like each day I get closer to this dream I believed to be impossible. So glorious and miraculous and impossible.... for me.

A friend of mine is waiting to hear the results of her first IVF. I can't explain how hard I am praying and wishing for her. Because no matter how blessed I am, I wish I could pick each and every infertile woman out of infertility. It's so painful to go through and apparently, I need only to reread my posts to remember it all.. vividly. I sat here in tears rereading the beginning of my blog. It was almost a year ago and even though I expressed my sadness to a point, I was much much worse. I had no idea how to express it, and words aren't always enough. I remember crying in the middle of the night. I remember the jealousy. I mean PURE jealousy at other pregnant women. Not the I'm happy for you but I wish I had it kind of jealousy. I'm talking the I wish I was pregnant instead of you kind. I visualize this pain as a hole in my heart because it's exactly what it felt like. I honestly HATE that so many still have to deal with this hole. I HATE that reading this post might make someone feel sad. I know how deeply it hurts.

Now I have so much to be grateful for. Not only for this little lady, but because I am whole again. Every pair of maternity pants I buy, every time someone tells me I look big or cute, every time I feel my daughter move, I feel as though I am living in one of my previous daydreams. I can't believe it's me. I am picking colors for her nursery and getting ready to register. I am preparing to be a mommy. God gave me what I asked for and I am too overwhelmed to begin to put my thankfulness into words.

My baby isn't just a hypothetical anymore. I talk to her and rub her in my belly and know that she will never know how much I love her. It's not possible. As always, I wish the best for ALL of you.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

It's a..

GIRL! I am so ecstatic. A little girl. Of course I would have been happy either way, but a little girl is like a dream come true. I can't believe I am this lucky. I keep trying to think that all of this was waiting for me when I was in the trenches of IF and i just couldn't see it. I am so happy.

I respect everyone's opinion on whether to find out or not. I always have. To each their own, but I HAVE to say this. Anyone who thinks it's not a surprise when you find out beforehand could not be more off. I was shocked and thrilled and cried my eyes out. It was the best moment of my life so far and I mean that. I got to tell everyone myself what I was having. F and I got to share the moment and I am so happy we made the choice to find out. I am so happy we know her. The excitement of getting used to saying "she" has been a thrill and our whole family is so excited to meet her.

Now I get to look forward to the Greatest moment of my life..seeing her face. This one will tide me over until then though ; )