Tuesday, August 11, 2009

So much to be grateful for

I had an ultrasound this morning and was so tired that I just wanted to get home. After my nap I realized that I needed a reality check. It was such a short time ago that I was emotionally wounded because I couldn't keep a pregnancy. Now I get to look at my little girl on screen and I am so truly blessed. This miracle is none other than just that. She kicks me now and flips all over and opens and closes her mouth. I have pictures of her little feet and it's honestly almost too much to comprehend. It's as if no matter how real it seems to me now, it is still surreal. I have no clue if all woman feel this way or not but I sure do. I feel like each day I get closer to this dream I believed to be impossible. So glorious and miraculous and impossible.... for me.

A friend of mine is waiting to hear the results of her first IVF. I can't explain how hard I am praying and wishing for her. Because no matter how blessed I am, I wish I could pick each and every infertile woman out of infertility. It's so painful to go through and apparently, I need only to reread my posts to remember it all.. vividly. I sat here in tears rereading the beginning of my blog. It was almost a year ago and even though I expressed my sadness to a point, I was much much worse. I had no idea how to express it, and words aren't always enough. I remember crying in the middle of the night. I remember the jealousy. I mean PURE jealousy at other pregnant women. Not the I'm happy for you but I wish I had it kind of jealousy. I'm talking the I wish I was pregnant instead of you kind. I visualize this pain as a hole in my heart because it's exactly what it felt like. I honestly HATE that so many still have to deal with this hole. I HATE that reading this post might make someone feel sad. I know how deeply it hurts.

Now I have so much to be grateful for. Not only for this little lady, but because I am whole again. Every pair of maternity pants I buy, every time someone tells me I look big or cute, every time I feel my daughter move, I feel as though I am living in one of my previous daydreams. I can't believe it's me. I am picking colors for her nursery and getting ready to register. I am preparing to be a mommy. God gave me what I asked for and I am too overwhelmed to begin to put my thankfulness into words.

My baby isn't just a hypothetical anymore. I talk to her and rub her in my belly and know that she will never know how much I love her. It's not possible. As always, I wish the best for ALL of you.


Mina said...

Beautiful post! :)

Emily said...

Beautiful...couldn't have said it better myself. :)

Astrid said...

This is sweet. You have been through SO much and I'm so happy for you. You are one of those who have crossed over to the other side but who I can still be genuinely happy for. I'm sure a lot of us feel that way! I loved reading about how your day dreams have come true. I can't wait to get there. Also, I just noticed your URL for the first time and laughed out loud!

Bee said...

Thank you for such sweet comments; )

And so it goes (AshaAnn) said...

Thanks for your beautiful post- and your compassion. I had my second miscarriage this year, and the road to healing emotionally has been harder than I anticipated. I just read through your story- and can relate to so much of your journey. We met with our RE for the first time in May, but due to travel schedule have to wait until October to start our first iui. And the fear of "what if even that doesn't work" paralyzes me sometimes.

Rejoicing with you in your miracle- i can feel the lightness of your spirit as you rejoice in this new life.

thanks for your honesty-
p.s. I'd be interested in knowing more about your three miscarriages- if you don't mind sharing? how far along were you? were they all similar? You can find me at my blog- thanks. Finding hope wherever i can. :)