Ok, I just spent 4 mornings in a row at the doc's office. Getting ultrasounds and 2 iui's. I would be lying if I said I had NO hope, but to be honest I would say I feel like I have a SMALL shot. I have become jaded enough to think I have a long way to go in this infertility journey. Hopefully not (This is the hope I am talking about.) But nonetheless, I am pretty realistic. (Please don't hold me to being strong when I actually get my period. I am going to need a day to get over it like every other month) But I am not thinking by any means that this has to be it. So as the doc was inseminating me, he was happy and excited and saying hopefully in 2 weeks we'll be getting some blood from you blah blah blah. I looked at him like he was crazy.
I am well aware that I do NOT want a doctor doom, but he was seriously optimistic. Part of me thought it was sweet, but the other part of me thought "save it doc, if this doesn't work and I get as excited as you, I will be the one who takes it that much harder. I know this from experience." I realize when I told my friend and mother in law about the iui, everyone wants me to be POSITIVE but I need to worry about preparing myself and protecting my heart. Isn't it true that we would LOVE to be naive and childishly optimistic? I would pay any amount of money not to be cynical each month. But this is what happens when you get disappointed month after month.
So, here's to being hopeful but somewhat prepared!
9 comments:
I completely understand what you are saying- we have to go into "survivor mode" when it comes to IF. it is almost like we can be hopeful or optimistic, but when others put forth too much ( in our opinion) it can feel like we are jinxing ourselves! I will be hoping for you :)
Jess
Thinking of you and hoping good news is on its way!
The wait is awful. I can't imagine how much harder it must be during an assisted cycle. Thinking of you.
Here from LFCA: Yeah its hard to be positive after many disappointments. I shelter my heart through each cycle now because I was gutted when my first two IVFs didn't work.
I came over from the Lost and Found to wish you peace during the wait. I am nearing the end of my 2ww from my 6th IUI and I totally get how hard it is to stay positive after so much disappointment. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself - that's the most important thing.
here from LFCA.
I understand how hard it is to be positive, and yet, as humans and our amazing capacity for adaptation and regeneration, that's exactly what we should try to do. It makes a difference in our bodies, and the chemistry of our bodies. Having hope make everything in your physical self work better and feels better too. Of course I'm not naive either. And we may just fall really hard from that state of grace at any point. But anyway, I hope you find that place of believing... it's worth it.
I'm also in the process of finding it for myself. I start stimming tomorrow for an IUI.
good luck with this cycle!
Here from L&F. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you! (((HUGS)))
Tammy
www.twondra.blogspot.com
I found your blog through Stirup Queens, I am praying for you!!!! :)
God Bless,
Tiffany
I think that's the best attitude, be hopeful but keep the excitement reserved until it's all well under way...
I had the same attitude into 3rd month of pregnancy, strangely :) It's hard to be excited when it's all on such tender terms. Keeping my fingers crossed for you!
http://myopenroads.blogspot.com/
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