Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Due Today

It takes effort to blog here for me. I don't know why. I check my blog every day. I read other people everyday. Writing just doesn't seem to be something I have a drive to do. I guess it could be a million things. Maybe I only wrote through the bad times, maybe it reminds me of bad times, maybe I'm more superstitious than I thought. Whatever the case may be, I am forcing myself to write on the day I have waited for since April 6, 2009.

Today, at my last Dr. appointment, I sat in the waiting room and started to think about when all of this began. I thought about the day we went for the iui and some funny things that happened to me and F that day. I was laughing to myself and letting myself savor the last days of this pregnancy. I remembered telling F that this was it and I knew it worked. I remembered him being shocked at my optimism. It was so different from the previous year and a half. I was peaceful then and I have a peace now too. This pregnancy has been the blessing of my life so far. I said to a friend that now, and ONLY now I may just even feel blessed to have gone through what I did. I see so very many differences in myself. I am stronger. I am happier. I take nothing for granted with this baby. I see differences in me compared to the pregnant women around me too. As many pregnancies surrounded me before mine, just as many happened during mine. I hear the normal complaints, I hear the "I can't believe it happened so fast" comments. I listen to people say I can't wait until this is over and I hear them say I am going to miss sleeping and just packing up and going. I am different. I remain quiet. I am careful not to expose the ridiculous amount of joy I have. I am careful to blend in amongst the other mommies to be, but I think that compared to some of them, I am so lucky. I fought long and hard and it changed this entire experience. I ALWAYS dreamed of mommyhood. I know I would have been happy no matter when I was blessed with this gift, but it's impossible to not appreciate it more than average after traveling to hell and back. Just. Impossible. I'm overwhelmed and in denial and excited and bursting with excitement and seeing my daughter for the first time.

I have dreamed of the day of writing a letter to my baby. I have held off. But today, on my due date, the only one I have ever reached, seems like the absolute perfect time to do it. I want it to be here. I want it to be now.

Dear Little B,

I have dreamed of the day I would write you this letter. I have dreamed of letting you know with words how I feel at this magical moment in my life. The first thing I want you to know is that I have never ever been happier in my life. Waiting for you to arrive and having you become my daughter has been the greatest joy in my life so far. I feel like no other baby ever born has been wanted so much. You are everything to daddy and me.

We talk about you all the time. We even make fun of you. We call you the "Big Girl" because my belly is so big. We imagine you coming out with a personality like me but you seem wild like your daddy. When he blows raspberries on my belly you jump every time. When I drink cold water you get as far as possible from my stomach. I think you like being warm. Every move you make brings us joy. We are the luckiest people on Earth because you are ours.

We may not know what you look like. We don't know the sound of your cry or your likes and dislikes. We have guesses though. I think you'll be blonde and blue eyed like daddy. When I see pictures of you they tell me you have chubby cheeks. A picture of your feet tells me you have daddy's feet too! In two days, I'll finally know the answers to the questions I have about your looks. The truth is, none of it matters to me. You are my daughter and I love you forever. We waited so long for you and nothing has been more worth the wait. Daddy and I look forward to doing lots of fun things with you. We can't wait to take you to the beach and to watch you open presents from Santa. You are loved beyond any words I can say or write. You are meant to be mine. I know that in my heart. It was you who I waited for my whole life. I can't wait to see you, hold you, teach you and watch you grow. Only two more days little girl. Life is about to change for you and for me.... forever.

I love you,


Astrid said...

This post made me cry. Big tears. And smile. It's so nice to hear from you and hear that you and your little girl are doing so well. I've never heard it put so well - how pregnancy feels after
'going to hell and back' This is the most beautiful thing I've ever read. It's also momentous since you are the first blogger I know of that both received the news of finally being pregnant AND reached their due date since I started my own blogging journey in March of this year. It does my heart joy to see things come full circle for others. I hope the birth is as wonderful as the pregnancy and that your years together are filled with love and wonderful times. I'm sure they will be.

Emily said...

Can you even believe we are at the end of this journey? I agree with you 200% - this has been one of the happiest times of my life.
Your letter to your little girl is just beautiful!
This post made me cry!
Wishing you a smooth L&D.
Here's to the next phase of the journey...