Somewhere in between.

I have been having a strange pattern of feelings this cycle. I am absolutely fine MOST of the time. Even today at my niece's baby shower, I felt sincere happiness for her and even oohed and aahed at the adorable things she got. I was so surprised at myself. I couldn't believe how well I dealt with the whole day. I wonder if this strength will stick.

Now this is not to say that I don't get down. It hits me out of nowhere. Does everyone feel this way? Like driving along and you remember that you are infertile. And then the deep sadness.

I am somewhere in between with my emotions, but in between is way better than I was before.

On another note, I had a book club with my friends last night. It was a lot of fun! I am really encouraging others to get one started. It seems hard the older you get to make time to see your friends. With a book club, people put out effort and prepare for it and make a serious attempt to be there. Oh, and reading is never a bad thing too!

Of Course

Not only did I get my AF, but I got it while we were away for our anniversary. I spent 10 minutes crying and moved on. Not bad right?? I t must ahve been the BBEAUTIFUL 1300 SQ> FT. Corner suite we were in ; )

Not much

I honestly don't know what to say. In three days time I will, but not now. I know these things: Yes my boobs hurt way earlier than usual in the tww. Like by 5 days. This did happen when I had one of the chemical pregnancies. I am tired. and That's it. I am not feeling it either which is a big indictor for me. I am trying to focus on this being my anniversary weekend. We are going to have so much fun and I just hope I don't ruin it by being sad. It's just that we are also coming up on our anniversary of trying too and that is NOT one I will celebrate

Here I go again...on my own

Why is the Whitesnake song "Here I go Again" playing on a loop in my brain? Oh that's right, because here I go again. I am back in the two week wait. I was not heartbroken last mont when af showed up. Not thrilled of course, but not heartbroken. I think I will be equally ok this month. I think it has something to do with:
1. My optimistic outlook isn't so optimistic anymore. Not that I am hopeless that it will EVER appen, just that I don't expect it to any time soon.
2. I am excited about the holiday season. It is such a great and pleasant distraction.

So back to the Whitesnake song, I have to laugh out loud(literally) that I am aplying it to infertility. But it really is quite fitting.

Send "Here I Go Again"
(coverdale/marsden)

I dont know where Im going
But, I sure know where Ive been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An Ive made up my mind,
I aint wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again

Tho I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what Im looking for
Oh lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on,
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a hobo* I was born to walk alone
An Ive made up my mind
I aint wasting no more time

Im just another heart in need of rescue,
Waiting on loves sweet charity
An Im gonna hold on
For the rest of my days,
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a hobo* I was born to walk alone
An Ive made up my mind
I aint wasting no more time

But, here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go...

An Ive made up my mind,
I aint wasting no more time

An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a hobo I was born to walk alone
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

Hello. Bee are you there??

I am doing one thing over the next month. I am trying to find myself. I have been focusing almost totally on getting pregnant, and after having a meltdown on Saturday, I decided enough is enough. I need to be happy about other things again. The thing is, I am a lucky girl. I LOVE everything about my life. I have the greatest Husband, i could not have picked a better career for myself, I have a fun family. I have good friends. I have fun a lot.

So even as I write this, why am I not more grateful? I don't know but I plan to be. I decided that I will mark down the days I need to BD and after that I will do my VERY VERY VERY best not to count days or anything like that. I am not going to stop trying, but I am going to stop obsessing. My best girlfriend at work just told me she plans to start trying in May. Why does that feel like a sort of deadline for me? Will I always feel a sense of "Please let me be pregnant by then."

I need to let go of that.

Not Pregnant

So what else is new.

14 DPO

Things don't look good internet. My boobs stopped hurting and I feel that AF will be here by Sunday at the latest.

I woke up last night at 4 in the morning after a dream that I had a positive HPT. I woke up and I said out loud "No it was just a dream!" I couldn't fall back to sleep because I realized I lost my ONE symptom(sore boobs) and kind of lost it(my mind) for a good 5 minutes. This is seriously getting harder and harder. Clomid for nothing!! I am really sad today but trying to keep my cool. I just want a life without this CONSTANT disappointment.