Friday, September 12, 2008

Let it Out

I was just recalling my girl's night out last Saturday. Now a few of my friends know exactly the details of what is going on with my IF situation, but I didn't think the rest of the girls did. Some of them are new moms and I just don't need everyone knwing why exactly I don't make it to all of the kiddie parties.

Anyway, My BEST friend was pretty harsh. She kept saying things like "You have to know it will happen." Blah blah blah. Why are you googling everything? Put the computer away. I know if I were in your shoes I would lean on my friends..." I tried to make her understand that no, you have an 8 month old baby. You have NO IDEA how I feel. You may try to understand what I am going through but you can't. YOU CAN"T. Could I if I didnt go through it?? NO WAY! The thing is, I don't think you can understand all the little things that can be so upsetting. The worst is not knowing if this is really it. If one day this journey will be over and NOT where I want it to be.

Then after talking to her, before she got to the other girls, two of them came up to me and just said "Bee you have to LET IT OUT> STop holding everything inside, we are here for you." Now I don't want to sound ungrateful for my wonderful girls, but now I KNOW they have all been discussing me. And what view of me do they have? Obviously they feel as though I am closing them off and I would feel so much better if I shared with them. I don't necessarily agree. Sometimes people SAY they want you to share everything but do NOT really mean it. In fact, My OTHER best friend sent me a long email explaining how she felt "cheated" that I wasn't telling her everything going on with me. So..I did. I told her about all my procedures etc... She hasn't asked again since. Hmm, Ya sure ya wanna know?

I tried to explain all this while retaining my friends. We are so close and have been together for so many years, and this is the thing that is putting distance.

My question...Am I in denial or could it be true that I feel better not discussing my IF with my friends at all? Like why bother since you can't grasp it and certainly can't fix it. I love them and want to keep my relationships just the way they are. Is it denial?

This is the reason I am here. I feel so much better learning and sharing with others who get it. Plain and simple because they have been there.


Emily said...

Thanks for visiting my blog. I have enjoyed reading your entries and I am so very sorry about your miscarriages.

I have had a hysteroscopy and will have another next week and they always put me out & from the sound of your post, I am thankful for it. I have polyps too :(

I hope you get some answers and a sticky baby soon.

I too hold a PHD byway of Dr. Google University... LOL

EAW said...

I don't think you are in denial. After my miscarriage last year, I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I actually never told anyone (except my husband) that I had been pregnant, not even my parents.

I think some people do want to share all of this with lots of people, but honestly I don't think that's the solution for everyone (and as you note, not everyone really wants to know).

Dreams Come True said...

Welcome to the world of blogging. I am so sorry to read about your losses, and the overwhelmingness of working with RE's and not even seeing the same one each time.

I don't think you're in denial either. After my loss, I barely told anyone. And since we've not gotten pg since (yet), I haven't really been willing to tlak about it with anyone either.. except for blogging here and there. Some things are just private, and beyond our firends ability to understand and truly offer the support we need.

I hope that they're able to give you some answers soon, and get you that sticky bfp as well.

Amy said...

Here from Lost and Found. Welcome to the blogging world. I am so incredibly sorry for your losses. This is a hard place to be in but very rewarding too!

Our stories are very different, yours and mine but I do beilieve that it is just hard to connect with your IRL friends as they just don't get it. We here, get it. Albeit in different ways, but we get it.

Hang in there and good luck to you!

Kathy V said...

Hi. I felt after my miscarriage that people asked but they didn't really want to know (much like your one friend.) I found a few that people that when they asked, they generally wanted to know but most did not. That is why I turned to the blog world. Cause not only did the people of the computer sypathize but they really understood. I just wrote what I was feeling and never had to explain how I was feeling. Good luck with your friends in real life. The sad thing is they will never really understand. They might be able to still care and show concern but they will never really understand.