Things don't look good internet. My boobs stopped hurting and I feel that AF will be here by Sunday at the latest.
I woke up last night at 4 in the morning after a dream that I had a positive HPT. I woke up and I said out loud "No it was just a dream!" I couldn't fall back to sleep because I realized I lost my ONE symptom(sore boobs) and kind of lost it(my mind) for a good 5 minutes. This is seriously getting harder and harder. Clomid for nothing!! I am really sad today but trying to keep my cool. I just want a life without this CONSTANT disappointment.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
I've been lapped.
I am so torn on whether or not I am being a selfish person. I have been dreading being lapped by my friends with their second babies. Last night was the first one. A few of my girls and I went to dinner last night and my friend said she was pregnant again. I was speechless while everyone else oohed and ahhed. I felt sick. I wanted to run to my car.
Then conversation about how she can't believe how fast it happened and she really can't believe she has to go through pregnancy again. I was dumbfounded. I could NOT believe she would say this in front of me. I mean I get that she deserves to talk about her pregnancy, but she couldn't filter talking about woe is me my belly is going to get so big again(She is a size 2). I really have been trying to deal with the fact that the world will go on if I don't have children, but is it too much to ask for your friends, your close friends, to be a little sympathetic. Even in the midst of their own happiness? Am I wrong? Because I keep trying to understand how I would be if I were on their side of the fence...I keep thinking I would be different.
Then conversation about how she can't believe how fast it happened and she really can't believe she has to go through pregnancy again. I was dumbfounded. I could NOT believe she would say this in front of me. I mean I get that she deserves to talk about her pregnancy, but she couldn't filter talking about woe is me my belly is going to get so big again(She is a size 2). I really have been trying to deal with the fact that the world will go on if I don't have children, but is it too much to ask for your friends, your close friends, to be a little sympathetic. Even in the midst of their own happiness? Am I wrong? Because I keep trying to understand how I would be if I were on their side of the fence...I keep thinking I would be different.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Two weeks
Ok so I am back in the two week wait. It's been a few months and I do think I am a little better this time. I am not agonizing over how many days left to test or if I have any symptoms or not. Now I just think my big fear is getting another positive that doesn't last. It's not really a question of can I get pregnant.
In a way, I almost expect to get a BFP. Like that isn't the hurdle here. I decided not to test until at least 3 days after my period is due. Before that, and I may find the same old same old. But if I don't get it by the third day, I will assume a BFP anyway. This is a good theory but we'll see. All I can say is right now I am not obsessing. That is a milestone in itself.
In a way, I almost expect to get a BFP. Like that isn't the hurdle here. I decided not to test until at least 3 days after my period is due. Before that, and I may find the same old same old. But if I don't get it by the third day, I will assume a BFP anyway. This is a good theory but we'll see. All I can say is right now I am not obsessing. That is a milestone in itself.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Round and Round
I went in for my day 3 ultrasound today. I feel like I am on a carousel. Around and around I go, when can I stop--nobody knows. So yet again I saw someone new. A different nurse and a different doc. At least at this point I have seen all the docs so next time HAS to be a repeat. They are always nice and try to answer my questions but I still feel alone. Seriously, if someone asked me who my doctor is, I would have to say "uh I am not really sure." I get a new one each time. It feels like starting over almost every time I go.
The worst part was this, the doc who did my hysteroscopy said my polyp could have caused my miscarriages. BUT the doc today said it didn't. Wow. No one is sure? One lied? I am soooo lost.
In any case, I was given the green light to start trying again. Although I felt great about it the other day, I am just scared to death now. Am I really prepared to handle a fourth miscarriage? I know you can't really be prepared, but can I handle it I suppose is the better question. I am sure I will feel better later, but today I just have that run down feeling. Like pure exhaustion from the emotions of all this.
They upped my clomid dose. It seems that whenever I ask questions about my meds, they do what I say rather than informing me of why what they say is right. I forgot (like a bozo) to ask my MOST important question today too. WHY AM I ON CLOMID IF I OVULATE ON MY OWN? Does ANYONE have an answer to this???? To get a better egg is my guess. But I am sick of being my own doc. Someone guide me please.
When it comes down to it, I may need to search a new RE. Anyone know a good one in Philadelphia?
The worst part was this, the doc who did my hysteroscopy said my polyp could have caused my miscarriages. BUT the doc today said it didn't. Wow. No one is sure? One lied? I am soooo lost.
In any case, I was given the green light to start trying again. Although I felt great about it the other day, I am just scared to death now. Am I really prepared to handle a fourth miscarriage? I know you can't really be prepared, but can I handle it I suppose is the better question. I am sure I will feel better later, but today I just have that run down feeling. Like pure exhaustion from the emotions of all this.
They upped my clomid dose. It seems that whenever I ask questions about my meds, they do what I say rather than informing me of why what they say is right. I forgot (like a bozo) to ask my MOST important question today too. WHY AM I ON CLOMID IF I OVULATE ON MY OWN? Does ANYONE have an answer to this???? To get a better egg is my guess. But I am sick of being my own doc. Someone guide me please.
When it comes down to it, I may need to search a new RE. Anyone know a good one in Philadelphia?
Monday, September 15, 2008
Positive!
No not an HPT, but my my attitude. I realized one little thing I have to be positive about today. I have already passed all of the so called deadlines that I had set for myself to be regnant by. I said I would be pregnant by this date and that, before I left school for summer vacation, before I came back from summer vacation. By the time we go here, and there. Now, this wedding we are about to go to on Saturday was the last actual deadline I gave myself. After I pass this, I am free in a way.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Let it Out
I was just recalling my girl's night out last Saturday. Now a few of my friends know exactly the details of what is going on with my IF situation, but I didn't think the rest of the girls did. Some of them are new moms and I just don't need everyone knwing why exactly I don't make it to all of the kiddie parties.
Anyway, My BEST friend was pretty harsh. She kept saying things like "You have to know it will happen." Blah blah blah. Why are you googling everything? Put the computer away. I know if I were in your shoes I would lean on my friends..." I tried to make her understand that no, you have an 8 month old baby. You have NO IDEA how I feel. You may try to understand what I am going through but you can't. YOU CAN"T. Could I if I didnt go through it?? NO WAY! The thing is, I don't think you can understand all the little things that can be so upsetting. The worst is not knowing if this is really it. If one day this journey will be over and NOT where I want it to be.
Then after talking to her, before she got to the other girls, two of them came up to me and just said "Bee you have to LET IT OUT> STop holding everything inside, we are here for you." Now I don't want to sound ungrateful for my wonderful girls, but now I KNOW they have all been discussing me. And what view of me do they have? Obviously they feel as though I am closing them off and I would feel so much better if I shared with them. I don't necessarily agree. Sometimes people SAY they want you to share everything but do NOT really mean it. In fact, My OTHER best friend sent me a long email explaining how she felt "cheated" that I wasn't telling her everything going on with me. So..I did. I told her about all my procedures etc... She hasn't asked again since. Hmm, Ya sure ya wanna know?
I tried to explain all this while retaining my friends. We are so close and have been together for so many years, and this is the thing that is putting distance.
My question...Am I in denial or could it be true that I feel better not discussing my IF with my friends at all? Like why bother since you can't grasp it and certainly can't fix it. I love them and want to keep my relationships just the way they are. Is it denial?
This is the reason I am here. I feel so much better learning and sharing with others who get it. Plain and simple because they have been there.
Anyway, My BEST friend was pretty harsh. She kept saying things like "You have to know it will happen." Blah blah blah. Why are you googling everything? Put the computer away. I know if I were in your shoes I would lean on my friends..." I tried to make her understand that no, you have an 8 month old baby. You have NO IDEA how I feel. You may try to understand what I am going through but you can't. YOU CAN"T. Could I if I didnt go through it?? NO WAY! The thing is, I don't think you can understand all the little things that can be so upsetting. The worst is not knowing if this is really it. If one day this journey will be over and NOT where I want it to be.
Then after talking to her, before she got to the other girls, two of them came up to me and just said "Bee you have to LET IT OUT> STop holding everything inside, we are here for you." Now I don't want to sound ungrateful for my wonderful girls, but now I KNOW they have all been discussing me. And what view of me do they have? Obviously they feel as though I am closing them off and I would feel so much better if I shared with them. I don't necessarily agree. Sometimes people SAY they want you to share everything but do NOT really mean it. In fact, My OTHER best friend sent me a long email explaining how she felt "cheated" that I wasn't telling her everything going on with me. So..I did. I told her about all my procedures etc... She hasn't asked again since. Hmm, Ya sure ya wanna know?
I tried to explain all this while retaining my friends. We are so close and have been together for so many years, and this is the thing that is putting distance.
My question...Am I in denial or could it be true that I feel better not discussing my IF with my friends at all? Like why bother since you can't grasp it and certainly can't fix it. I love them and want to keep my relationships just the way they are. Is it denial?
This is the reason I am here. I feel so much better learning and sharing with others who get it. Plain and simple because they have been there.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Bad Girl!
I did a bad thing. I am so sick and tired of going for all of these tests and blood work, that I went for my last blood work a week late. Now I did go back to work this week, and it WAS really difficult for me to get to the office on time; BUT, I could have made it happen. This blood work was to confirm that I ovulated so I can get a luteal biopsy. UGH. Did I mention I am sick of this? I called the nurse today(seems like she is the only person who knows me) and she said it was ok and that we could do it next month. She also said that we are back in the TTC game as soon as I get af.
So just like myself I said "oh ok thank you so much Liz." and I was going to hang up, but then..."Liz, what now??? Do we do clomid again?" blah blah blah. She said we will do clomid, hsg shot if need be and even an iui if I want. Although since I can obviously get preggo I may skip that one.
I am filled with hope and fear. I HOPE it will work in the next few months and I am extremely fearful that it will work and then, well,...go kaput. Even F said he is nervous this time around. But above all, I think that after the past two cycles of not trying, we are both really happy to be trying again. Maybe to be closer to our goal. Baby Cee. I really can't wait to join the other bloggers who say "I can't believe it's me who is a mother to be."
So just like myself I said "oh ok thank you so much Liz." and I was going to hang up, but then..."Liz, what now??? Do we do clomid again?" blah blah blah. She said we will do clomid, hsg shot if need be and even an iui if I want. Although since I can obviously get preggo I may skip that one.
I am filled with hope and fear. I HOPE it will work in the next few months and I am extremely fearful that it will work and then, well,...go kaput. Even F said he is nervous this time around. But above all, I think that after the past two cycles of not trying, we are both really happy to be trying again. Maybe to be closer to our goal. Baby Cee. I really can't wait to join the other bloggers who say "I can't believe it's me who is a mother to be."
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