I can't possibly sum up my feelings about being a new mother. I am blessed with a great baby. Not only is she adorable beyond words but this kid is GOOD! She sleeps through the night with one bottle, loves bath time, smiles all the time(and NO, I don't think it's GAS! ; )
Bragging new mom.... HELL TO THE YES!
I keep thinking to myself that this is all so much better than I even dreamed. It seems so natural too. I took Brynn for a walk today and was thinking about this time last year. Man.... Night and Day. IF will ALWAYS be a part of me. Always. I hate to say this, but some of the IF trials I went though have made this whole experience better. For me. I speak only for myself. God, I never thought I would have these thoughts. Am I really grateful for all the pain? Now, from the other side of IF.. the answer is yes. I hope that it turn out this way for all of you.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Due Today
It takes effort to blog here for me. I don't know why. I check my blog every day. I read other people everyday. Writing just doesn't seem to be something I have a drive to do. I guess it could be a million things. Maybe I only wrote through the bad times, maybe it reminds me of bad times, maybe I'm more superstitious than I thought. Whatever the case may be, I am forcing myself to write on the day I have waited for since April 6, 2009.
Today, at my last Dr. appointment, I sat in the waiting room and started to think about when all of this began. I thought about the day we went for the iui and some funny things that happened to me and F that day. I was laughing to myself and letting myself savor the last days of this pregnancy. I remembered telling F that this was it and I knew it worked. I remembered him being shocked at my optimism. It was so different from the previous year and a half. I was peaceful then and I have a peace now too. This pregnancy has been the blessing of my life so far. I said to a friend that now, and ONLY now I may just even feel blessed to have gone through what I did. I see so very many differences in myself. I am stronger. I am happier. I take nothing for granted with this baby. I see differences in me compared to the pregnant women around me too. As many pregnancies surrounded me before mine, just as many happened during mine. I hear the normal complaints, I hear the "I can't believe it happened so fast" comments. I listen to people say I can't wait until this is over and I hear them say I am going to miss sleeping and just packing up and going. I am different. I remain quiet. I am careful not to expose the ridiculous amount of joy I have. I am careful to blend in amongst the other mommies to be, but I think that compared to some of them, I am so lucky. I fought long and hard and it changed this entire experience. I ALWAYS dreamed of mommyhood. I know I would have been happy no matter when I was blessed with this gift, but it's impossible to not appreciate it more than average after traveling to hell and back. Just. Impossible. I'm overwhelmed and in denial and excited and bursting with excitement and seeing my daughter for the first time.
I have dreamed of the day of writing a letter to my baby. I have held off. But today, on my due date, the only one I have ever reached, seems like the absolute perfect time to do it. I want it to be here. I want it to be now.
Dear Little B,
I have dreamed of the day I would write you this letter. I have dreamed of letting you know with words how I feel at this magical moment in my life. The first thing I want you to know is that I have never ever been happier in my life. Waiting for you to arrive and having you become my daughter has been the greatest joy in my life so far. I feel like no other baby ever born has been wanted so much. You are everything to daddy and me.
We talk about you all the time. We even make fun of you. We call you the "Big Girl" because my belly is so big. We imagine you coming out with a personality like me but you seem wild like your daddy. When he blows raspberries on my belly you jump every time. When I drink cold water you get as far as possible from my stomach. I think you like being warm. Every move you make brings us joy. We are the luckiest people on Earth because you are ours.
We may not know what you look like. We don't know the sound of your cry or your likes and dislikes. We have guesses though. I think you'll be blonde and blue eyed like daddy. When I see pictures of you they tell me you have chubby cheeks. A picture of your feet tells me you have daddy's feet too! In two days, I'll finally know the answers to the questions I have about your looks. The truth is, none of it matters to me. You are my daughter and I love you forever. We waited so long for you and nothing has been more worth the wait. Daddy and I look forward to doing lots of fun things with you. We can't wait to take you to the beach and to watch you open presents from Santa. You are loved beyond any words I can say or write. You are meant to be mine. I know that in my heart. It was you who I waited for my whole life. I can't wait to see you, hold you, teach you and watch you grow. Only two more days little girl. Life is about to change for you and for me.... forever.
I love you,
Mommy
Today, at my last Dr. appointment, I sat in the waiting room and started to think about when all of this began. I thought about the day we went for the iui and some funny things that happened to me and F that day. I was laughing to myself and letting myself savor the last days of this pregnancy. I remembered telling F that this was it and I knew it worked. I remembered him being shocked at my optimism. It was so different from the previous year and a half. I was peaceful then and I have a peace now too. This pregnancy has been the blessing of my life so far. I said to a friend that now, and ONLY now I may just even feel blessed to have gone through what I did. I see so very many differences in myself. I am stronger. I am happier. I take nothing for granted with this baby. I see differences in me compared to the pregnant women around me too. As many pregnancies surrounded me before mine, just as many happened during mine. I hear the normal complaints, I hear the "I can't believe it happened so fast" comments. I listen to people say I can't wait until this is over and I hear them say I am going to miss sleeping and just packing up and going. I am different. I remain quiet. I am careful not to expose the ridiculous amount of joy I have. I am careful to blend in amongst the other mommies to be, but I think that compared to some of them, I am so lucky. I fought long and hard and it changed this entire experience. I ALWAYS dreamed of mommyhood. I know I would have been happy no matter when I was blessed with this gift, but it's impossible to not appreciate it more than average after traveling to hell and back. Just. Impossible. I'm overwhelmed and in denial and excited and bursting with excitement and seeing my daughter for the first time.
I have dreamed of the day of writing a letter to my baby. I have held off. But today, on my due date, the only one I have ever reached, seems like the absolute perfect time to do it. I want it to be here. I want it to be now.
Dear Little B,
I have dreamed of the day I would write you this letter. I have dreamed of letting you know with words how I feel at this magical moment in my life. The first thing I want you to know is that I have never ever been happier in my life. Waiting for you to arrive and having you become my daughter has been the greatest joy in my life so far. I feel like no other baby ever born has been wanted so much. You are everything to daddy and me.
We talk about you all the time. We even make fun of you. We call you the "Big Girl" because my belly is so big. We imagine you coming out with a personality like me but you seem wild like your daddy. When he blows raspberries on my belly you jump every time. When I drink cold water you get as far as possible from my stomach. I think you like being warm. Every move you make brings us joy. We are the luckiest people on Earth because you are ours.
We may not know what you look like. We don't know the sound of your cry or your likes and dislikes. We have guesses though. I think you'll be blonde and blue eyed like daddy. When I see pictures of you they tell me you have chubby cheeks. A picture of your feet tells me you have daddy's feet too! In two days, I'll finally know the answers to the questions I have about your looks. The truth is, none of it matters to me. You are my daughter and I love you forever. We waited so long for you and nothing has been more worth the wait. Daddy and I look forward to doing lots of fun things with you. We can't wait to take you to the beach and to watch you open presents from Santa. You are loved beyond any words I can say or write. You are meant to be mine. I know that in my heart. It was you who I waited for my whole life. I can't wait to see you, hold you, teach you and watch you grow. Only two more days little girl. Life is about to change for you and for me.... forever.
I love you,
Mommy
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Well hello there!
It's been an eternity since I have posted but certainly not since I have been reading up on everyone. Everything is going well. I have 5 weeks and 5 days left to go! Although judging by the size of me.. not that long probably. I haven't had too much to write about.. until now.
One of my greatest friends in the world. One of the ONLY two who helped me every step of the way through my ups and downs of IF, may be experiencing it too. She was so wonderful to me and I am feeling completely guilty for informing her so much about everything I went through.. because now I think I have instilled fear in her. She isn't actually trying yet, but she and her husband decided to go off the pill about 3 months ago. Well, still no period. I sent her to my gyno because she needed a new one anyway. After bloodwork he instantly decided to send her to a specialist.. my specialist. I am happy she is getting checked out, I am happy they have an idea of what they think her problems may be, but I am sick for her that she is now walking in the doors to all of these places that I spent 18 months crying to her about. She is staying positive because she has no reason not to be yet, but all I can think of is the fear she must have. How could she not wonder if her road ahead wil be like mine. Logically, everyone is different and her journey will be completely different, but the world of logic goes right out the door with IF doesn't it!
Well, my baby shower is this Sunday and I can't wait. I still have to pinch myself on a daily basis. Is it all real yet?? NOPE! But getting there every day. Wishing the best AS ALWAYS!!!!!
One of my greatest friends in the world. One of the ONLY two who helped me every step of the way through my ups and downs of IF, may be experiencing it too. She was so wonderful to me and I am feeling completely guilty for informing her so much about everything I went through.. because now I think I have instilled fear in her. She isn't actually trying yet, but she and her husband decided to go off the pill about 3 months ago. Well, still no period. I sent her to my gyno because she needed a new one anyway. After bloodwork he instantly decided to send her to a specialist.. my specialist. I am happy she is getting checked out, I am happy they have an idea of what they think her problems may be, but I am sick for her that she is now walking in the doors to all of these places that I spent 18 months crying to her about. She is staying positive because she has no reason not to be yet, but all I can think of is the fear she must have. How could she not wonder if her road ahead wil be like mine. Logically, everyone is different and her journey will be completely different, but the world of logic goes right out the door with IF doesn't it!
Well, my baby shower is this Sunday and I can't wait. I still have to pinch myself on a daily basis. Is it all real yet?? NOPE! But getting there every day. Wishing the best AS ALWAYS!!!!!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
So much to be grateful for
I had an ultrasound this morning and was so tired that I just wanted to get home. After my nap I realized that I needed a reality check. It was such a short time ago that I was emotionally wounded because I couldn't keep a pregnancy. Now I get to look at my little girl on screen and I am so truly blessed. This miracle is none other than just that. She kicks me now and flips all over and opens and closes her mouth. I have pictures of her little feet and it's honestly almost too much to comprehend. It's as if no matter how real it seems to me now, it is still surreal. I have no clue if all woman feel this way or not but I sure do. I feel like each day I get closer to this dream I believed to be impossible. So glorious and miraculous and impossible.... for me.
A friend of mine is waiting to hear the results of her first IVF. I can't explain how hard I am praying and wishing for her. Because no matter how blessed I am, I wish I could pick each and every infertile woman out of infertility. It's so painful to go through and apparently, I need only to reread my posts to remember it all.. vividly. I sat here in tears rereading the beginning of my blog. It was almost a year ago and even though I expressed my sadness to a point, I was much much worse. I had no idea how to express it, and words aren't always enough. I remember crying in the middle of the night. I remember the jealousy. I mean PURE jealousy at other pregnant women. Not the I'm happy for you but I wish I had it kind of jealousy. I'm talking the I wish I was pregnant instead of you kind. I visualize this pain as a hole in my heart because it's exactly what it felt like. I honestly HATE that so many still have to deal with this hole. I HATE that reading this post might make someone feel sad. I know how deeply it hurts.
Now I have so much to be grateful for. Not only for this little lady, but because I am whole again. Every pair of maternity pants I buy, every time someone tells me I look big or cute, every time I feel my daughter move, I feel as though I am living in one of my previous daydreams. I can't believe it's me. I am picking colors for her nursery and getting ready to register. I am preparing to be a mommy. God gave me what I asked for and I am too overwhelmed to begin to put my thankfulness into words.
My baby isn't just a hypothetical anymore. I talk to her and rub her in my belly and know that she will never know how much I love her. It's not possible. As always, I wish the best for ALL of you.
A friend of mine is waiting to hear the results of her first IVF. I can't explain how hard I am praying and wishing for her. Because no matter how blessed I am, I wish I could pick each and every infertile woman out of infertility. It's so painful to go through and apparently, I need only to reread my posts to remember it all.. vividly. I sat here in tears rereading the beginning of my blog. It was almost a year ago and even though I expressed my sadness to a point, I was much much worse. I had no idea how to express it, and words aren't always enough. I remember crying in the middle of the night. I remember the jealousy. I mean PURE jealousy at other pregnant women. Not the I'm happy for you but I wish I had it kind of jealousy. I'm talking the I wish I was pregnant instead of you kind. I visualize this pain as a hole in my heart because it's exactly what it felt like. I honestly HATE that so many still have to deal with this hole. I HATE that reading this post might make someone feel sad. I know how deeply it hurts.
Now I have so much to be grateful for. Not only for this little lady, but because I am whole again. Every pair of maternity pants I buy, every time someone tells me I look big or cute, every time I feel my daughter move, I feel as though I am living in one of my previous daydreams. I can't believe it's me. I am picking colors for her nursery and getting ready to register. I am preparing to be a mommy. God gave me what I asked for and I am too overwhelmed to begin to put my thankfulness into words.
My baby isn't just a hypothetical anymore. I talk to her and rub her in my belly and know that she will never know how much I love her. It's not possible. As always, I wish the best for ALL of you.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
It's a..
GIRL! I am so ecstatic. A little girl. Of course I would have been happy either way, but a little girl is like a dream come true. I can't believe I am this lucky. I keep trying to think that all of this was waiting for me when I was in the trenches of IF and i just couldn't see it. I am so happy.
I respect everyone's opinion on whether to find out or not. I always have. To each their own, but I HAVE to say this. Anyone who thinks it's not a surprise when you find out beforehand could not be more off. I was shocked and thrilled and cried my eyes out. It was the best moment of my life so far and I mean that. I got to tell everyone myself what I was having. F and I got to share the moment and I am so happy we made the choice to find out. I am so happy we know her. The excitement of getting used to saying "she" has been a thrill and our whole family is so excited to meet her.
Now I get to look forward to the Greatest moment of my life..seeing her face. This one will tide me over until then though ; )
I respect everyone's opinion on whether to find out or not. I always have. To each their own, but I HAVE to say this. Anyone who thinks it's not a surprise when you find out beforehand could not be more off. I was shocked and thrilled and cried my eyes out. It was the best moment of my life so far and I mean that. I got to tell everyone myself what I was having. F and I got to share the moment and I am so happy we made the choice to find out. I am so happy we know her. The excitement of getting used to saying "she" has been a thrill and our whole family is so excited to meet her.
Now I get to look forward to the Greatest moment of my life..seeing her face. This one will tide me over until then though ; )
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I Hate WAITING!
Not much to blog about lately. School's out for summer, I am four months pregnant, I am heading to Hawaii for two weeks on July 16th, and I find out the sex on July 14th...... 2009 is turning out to be more than I EVER dreamed of. Maybe it's my turn after a HORRIBLE 2008. Either way, I'm loving life right now and hope all of you are too!
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