Somewhere in between.

I have been having a strange pattern of feelings this cycle. I am absolutely fine MOST of the time. Even today at my niece's baby shower, I felt sincere happiness for her and even oohed and aahed at the adorable things she got. I was so surprised at myself. I couldn't believe how well I dealt with the whole day. I wonder if this strength will stick.

Now this is not to say that I don't get down. It hits me out of nowhere. Does everyone feel this way? Like driving along and you remember that you are infertile. And then the deep sadness.

I am somewhere in between with my emotions, but in between is way better than I was before.

On another note, I had a book club with my friends last night. It was a lot of fun! I am really encouraging others to get one started. It seems hard the older you get to make time to see your friends. With a book club, people put out effort and prepare for it and make a serious attempt to be there. Oh, and reading is never a bad thing too!

Of Course

Not only did I get my AF, but I got it while we were away for our anniversary. I spent 10 minutes crying and moved on. Not bad right?? I t must ahve been the BBEAUTIFUL 1300 SQ> FT. Corner suite we were in ; )

Not much

I honestly don't know what to say. In three days time I will, but not now. I know these things: Yes my boobs hurt way earlier than usual in the tww. Like by 5 days. This did happen when I had one of the chemical pregnancies. I am tired. and That's it. I am not feeling it either which is a big indictor for me. I am trying to focus on this being my anniversary weekend. We are going to have so much fun and I just hope I don't ruin it by being sad. It's just that we are also coming up on our anniversary of trying too and that is NOT one I will celebrate

Here I go again...on my own

Why is the Whitesnake song "Here I go Again" playing on a loop in my brain? Oh that's right, because here I go again. I am back in the two week wait. I was not heartbroken last mont when af showed up. Not thrilled of course, but not heartbroken. I think I will be equally ok this month. I think it has something to do with:
1. My optimistic outlook isn't so optimistic anymore. Not that I am hopeless that it will EVER appen, just that I don't expect it to any time soon.
2. I am excited about the holiday season. It is such a great and pleasant distraction.

So back to the Whitesnake song, I have to laugh out loud(literally) that I am aplying it to infertility. But it really is quite fitting.

Send "Here I Go Again"
(coverdale/marsden)

I dont know where Im going
But, I sure know where Ive been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An Ive made up my mind,
I aint wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again

Tho I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what Im looking for
Oh lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on,
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a hobo* I was born to walk alone
An Ive made up my mind
I aint wasting no more time

Im just another heart in need of rescue,
Waiting on loves sweet charity
An Im gonna hold on
For the rest of my days,
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a hobo* I was born to walk alone
An Ive made up my mind
I aint wasting no more time

But, here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go...

An Ive made up my mind,
I aint wasting no more time

An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a hobo I was born to walk alone
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

Hello. Bee are you there??

I am doing one thing over the next month. I am trying to find myself. I have been focusing almost totally on getting pregnant, and after having a meltdown on Saturday, I decided enough is enough. I need to be happy about other things again. The thing is, I am a lucky girl. I LOVE everything about my life. I have the greatest Husband, i could not have picked a better career for myself, I have a fun family. I have good friends. I have fun a lot.

So even as I write this, why am I not more grateful? I don't know but I plan to be. I decided that I will mark down the days I need to BD and after that I will do my VERY VERY VERY best not to count days or anything like that. I am not going to stop trying, but I am going to stop obsessing. My best girlfriend at work just told me she plans to start trying in May. Why does that feel like a sort of deadline for me? Will I always feel a sense of "Please let me be pregnant by then."

I need to let go of that.

Not Pregnant

So what else is new.

14 DPO

Things don't look good internet. My boobs stopped hurting and I feel that AF will be here by Sunday at the latest.

I woke up last night at 4 in the morning after a dream that I had a positive HPT. I woke up and I said out loud "No it was just a dream!" I couldn't fall back to sleep because I realized I lost my ONE symptom(sore boobs) and kind of lost it(my mind) for a good 5 minutes. This is seriously getting harder and harder. Clomid for nothing!! I am really sad today but trying to keep my cool. I just want a life without this CONSTANT disappointment.

I've been lapped.

I am so torn on whether or not I am being a selfish person. I have been dreading being lapped by my friends with their second babies. Last night was the first one. A few of my girls and I went to dinner last night and my friend said she was pregnant again. I was speechless while everyone else oohed and ahhed. I felt sick. I wanted to run to my car.

Then conversation about how she can't believe how fast it happened and she really can't believe she has to go through pregnancy again. I was dumbfounded. I could NOT believe she would say this in front of me. I mean I get that she deserves to talk about her pregnancy, but she couldn't filter talking about woe is me my belly is going to get so big again(She is a size 2). I really have been trying to deal with the fact that the world will go on if I don't have children, but is it too much to ask for your friends, your close friends, to be a little sympathetic. Even in the midst of their own happiness? Am I wrong? Because I keep trying to understand how I would be if I were on their side of the fence...I keep thinking I would be different.

Two weeks

Ok so I am back in the two week wait. It's been a few months and I do think I am a little better this time. I am not agonizing over how many days left to test or if I have any symptoms or not. Now I just think my big fear is getting another positive that doesn't last. It's not really a question of can I get pregnant.

In a way, I almost expect to get a BFP. Like that isn't the hurdle here. I decided not to test until at least 3 days after my period is due. Before that, and I may find the same old same old. But if I don't get it by the third day, I will assume a BFP anyway. This is a good theory but we'll see. All I can say is right now I am not obsessing. That is a milestone in itself.

Round and Round

I went in for my day 3 ultrasound today. I feel like I am on a carousel. Around and around I go, when can I stop--nobody knows. So yet again I saw someone new. A different nurse and a different doc. At least at this point I have seen all the docs so next time HAS to be a repeat. They are always nice and try to answer my questions but I still feel alone. Seriously, if someone asked me who my doctor is, I would have to say "uh I am not really sure." I get a new one each time. It feels like starting over almost every time I go.

The worst part was this, the doc who did my hysteroscopy said my polyp could have caused my miscarriages. BUT the doc today said it didn't. Wow. No one is sure? One lied? I am soooo lost.

In any case, I was given the green light to start trying again. Although I felt great about it the other day, I am just scared to death now. Am I really prepared to handle a fourth miscarriage? I know you can't really be prepared, but can I handle it I suppose is the better question. I am sure I will feel better later, but today I just have that run down feeling. Like pure exhaustion from the emotions of all this.

They upped my clomid dose. It seems that whenever I ask questions about my meds, they do what I say rather than informing me of why what they say is right. I forgot (like a bozo) to ask my MOST important question today too. WHY AM I ON CLOMID IF I OVULATE ON MY OWN? Does ANYONE have an answer to this???? To get a better egg is my guess. But I am sick of being my own doc. Someone guide me please.

When it comes down to it, I may need to search a new RE. Anyone know a good one in Philadelphia?

Positive!

No not an HPT, but my my attitude. I realized one little thing I have to be positive about today. I have already passed all of the so called deadlines that I had set for myself to be regnant by. I said I would be pregnant by this date and that, before I left school for summer vacation, before I came back from summer vacation. By the time we go here, and there. Now, this wedding we are about to go to on Saturday was the last actual deadline I gave myself. After I pass this, I am free in a way.

Let it Out

I was just recalling my girl's night out last Saturday. Now a few of my friends know exactly the details of what is going on with my IF situation, but I didn't think the rest of the girls did. Some of them are new moms and I just don't need everyone knwing why exactly I don't make it to all of the kiddie parties.

Anyway, My BEST friend was pretty harsh. She kept saying things like "You have to know it will happen." Blah blah blah. Why are you googling everything? Put the computer away. I know if I were in your shoes I would lean on my friends..." I tried to make her understand that no, you have an 8 month old baby. You have NO IDEA how I feel. You may try to understand what I am going through but you can't. YOU CAN"T. Could I if I didnt go through it?? NO WAY! The thing is, I don't think you can understand all the little things that can be so upsetting. The worst is not knowing if this is really it. If one day this journey will be over and NOT where I want it to be.

Then after talking to her, before she got to the other girls, two of them came up to me and just said "Bee you have to LET IT OUT> STop holding everything inside, we are here for you." Now I don't want to sound ungrateful for my wonderful girls, but now I KNOW they have all been discussing me. And what view of me do they have? Obviously they feel as though I am closing them off and I would feel so much better if I shared with them. I don't necessarily agree. Sometimes people SAY they want you to share everything but do NOT really mean it. In fact, My OTHER best friend sent me a long email explaining how she felt "cheated" that I wasn't telling her everything going on with me. So..I did. I told her about all my procedures etc... She hasn't asked again since. Hmm, Ya sure ya wanna know?

I tried to explain all this while retaining my friends. We are so close and have been together for so many years, and this is the thing that is putting distance.

My question...Am I in denial or could it be true that I feel better not discussing my IF with my friends at all? Like why bother since you can't grasp it and certainly can't fix it. I love them and want to keep my relationships just the way they are. Is it denial?

This is the reason I am here. I feel so much better learning and sharing with others who get it. Plain and simple because they have been there.

Bad Girl!

I did a bad thing. I am so sick and tired of going for all of these tests and blood work, that I went for my last blood work a week late. Now I did go back to work this week, and it WAS really difficult for me to get to the office on time; BUT, I could have made it happen. This blood work was to confirm that I ovulated so I can get a luteal biopsy. UGH. Did I mention I am sick of this? I called the nurse today(seems like she is the only person who knows me) and she said it was ok and that we could do it next month. She also said that we are back in the TTC game as soon as I get af.

So just like myself I said "oh ok thank you so much Liz." and I was going to hang up, but then..."Liz, what now??? Do we do clomid again?" blah blah blah. She said we will do clomid, hsg shot if need be and even an iui if I want. Although since I can obviously get preggo I may skip that one.

I am filled with hope and fear. I HOPE it will work in the next few months and I am extremely fearful that it will work and then, well,...go kaput. Even F said he is nervous this time around. But above all, I think that after the past two cycles of not trying, we are both really happy to be trying again. Maybe to be closer to our goal. Baby Cee. I really can't wait to join the other bloggers who say "I can't believe it's me who is a mother to be."

Hi ho Hi ho to the doctor's office I go

I feel like I have been living at the doctor's office lately. I had to go in again this morning for a day 13 ultrasound. I don't even really understand the results of it either. She said that I had two follicles developing. Oh ok. Now I am wondering, ..is that good? Bad? Why oh why didn't I ask? Part of me though is so exhausted from questioning and anything to do with this "work up" that I almost don't want to know anymore. The Infertility "file cabinet" in my brain is full. Maximum capacity at this point. I am goingto try to redirect my focus for a bit especially since this a non trying month. I might as well enjoy it.

I went back to work today to start getting my classroom back together. I was just waiting for someone to ask me if I had any good news to report, but luckily no one did. It's funny, I can go days without being even a litlle bit sad, but then something happens that triggers my emotion to go into overdrive. A girl I work with told me that she can't wait to start trying for a baby after her wedding last week. I am happy for her and I know she thinks we have this in common and we can be ttc buddies. At some point I am going to have to tell her I can't be that for her. I don't want to ruin her excitement, she is more than entitled to it, but if she gets preggo before yours truly,,,,I will not be in the best frame of mind. I am trying to prepare myself for this in someways already,but still. And in no way would I EVER wish a long journey for her, but everyone in this whole infertility community can understand that soo many of our feelings are two fold.

I am really starting to think that getting my baby is going to help me resurrect my old self. The less pessimistic girl I soooooooo miss. These are the kind of things that people who have never deal with infertility don't understand. It affects a person in more ways than you can understand. I wonder if I try REALLY REALLY hard, I can stop being negative and start retraining my thinking to be eternally positive no matter how long this takes. Is that even possible? I think I may need to try. Maybe next week.

The First Cut was the Deepest

I just woke up from what is becoming my routine nap after having procedures. I am more than happy to tell you that today's HSG was a LOT less painful than my hysteroscopy. In fact, The whole thing only took about 3 minutes. No sweat.

I looked and looked all over google for something that told me how painful it was, but I guess describing pain is pretty difficult. Besides, I am not even sure it is noteworthy in retrospect. All the humiliation was still there. Scoot down....further, further. I sometimes think though that I am more embarrassed of my thunder thighs than actually flashing my full frontal. I am not a huge person, but I definitely have some crazy thighs. I was thinking today that man, this doc may not be able to recognize one hoo ha from another, but there is NO WAY he will forget these thighs...

To make it worse, I saw the doc walking down the hall after my procedure and I am telling you, I was stunned at how small his butt was. I mean come on. I just had to bare it all and I have to see that this GUY is my dream size 2? Whatever.

I have a renewed sense of hope now after completing my Hyster and HSG. It's over and now just maybe my RE will give us the green light to get back into trying mode again. It will have been two months since we last tried and even though I am scared to pieces of repeating another chemical pregnancy, I am ready to get closer to the finish line. Or the starting line? Well, the finish line of infertility and the starting line of ...........a word that now is magical and mythical to me at this point....pregnancy.

Btw, this new sense of positive thinking has led me to:

A. Go on Behr.com to check out paint colors for a nursery.(I have found a GORGEOUS shade of fucshia for my little girl.)
B. Actually proceed to checkout with a few new maternity clothes(I didn't buy,)
C.Make a bookmark on my computer for a nursery design idea that I love.
D. Type in my future child's nameon a personalized pacifier website.

So much for the one day at a time thing. I am mentally insane and only feel I can tell you this because I can't see or hear you making that face of "Wow, you is Krazy with a K.) My laptop how now become something I feel like I need to lock up. This is top secret obsession. Nursery photos. I would be less embarrassed of porn I think. That's like way less "krazy".

It Starts

Ok so I know I know. Blogging is now a dime a dozen. I agree....But I suddenly felt a pang of envy for all those bloggers that I have read. I thought to myself, "Hey that must be nice to get all those feelings out and people are actually commenting along." So, I am doing it. I am a blogger. There I said it...

So my road begins with none other than my emotional turmoil right now. I have had three miscarriages and am trying desperately with F(my Husband) to make a baby. I mean come on. How hard can this be right?? I watch people all over the place do it. I am a teacher so I can see lots and lots of proof of this on a daily basis. So why not me? Not in the Nancy Kerrigan sort of way, but a legitimate question. One that I would REALLY love an answer to.

So I sought to find one. I was sent to a.....(drum roll....) Reproductive Endocrinologist. I walked in the office on the day of my appointment with F by my side. I think we were actually expecting to walk out pregnant. Well, maybe not pregnant, but definitely with extremely clear driection on how to become so. We were really excited. Well here I am months later, seeing a different doc eveytime I go. And guess what...No baby. As a matter of fact, no real answers either.

This week I am having my work-up done. "Oh ok sounds good." I said like the little pleaser I am when it comes to people that I think know more than me. SO I had a Hysteroscopy. They said it would be uncomfortable. Well let me tell you. It HURT!!!!!! I am not a complainer of pain. I don't run to the doctors for anything. In essence, I really think I have a good handle on pain. Now I know. I do not. I didn't let on too too much to the doctor but I was definitely screaming on the inside. Add that to the humiliation of seeing my "full frontal" on the sreen as the doctor brought the weirdo camera speculum towards me. Ugh. I almost have to laugh.

Doc found a polyp and said that it could be the cause of the miscarriages. I said "Excuse me but all three? Really?" He said.."Well polys are definitely associated with miscarriages." Now let me say. My docs are very nice. But I actually own a computer with internet access. Being home all summer with this tool is in my opinion, the equivalent of going to Reproductive Endocrinology School. I know A LOT. Graduated Summa Cum Laude I think. But The reason I go to the doctor is to find out what my body is doing. MY BODY. Not the stattistics or what is the "norm." I may share this when I go to my next procedure tomorrow.

Please.
Please.
Pray for me that it is better than the hysteroscopy yesterday.

I will be back to let you know the results. Or at least my version of the experience.