Friday, January 23, 2009

I'm Sick of Knocking Let Me In!

I know I don't have to ex[lain myself or rationalize my thoughts on here but somehow I feel the need to. I am having a really hard time dealing with "thinking" one of my friends (at work as well as outside of work) is pregnant. I can't be imagining the hints. I was after all in her shoes (3 unsuccessful times). She keeps complaining...and I mean CONSTANTLY about the following:

I am SOOOOOOO tired! What is Wrong with me????

I need a new drawstring pants (The girl is very thin)
I am so hungry by 10:39 I feel ready to pass out.
I drink too much diet coke I need to drink Sprite (She once told me she HATES regular soda)
I started taking vitamins and they said you get sick from them but I didn't at all.

Believe me there are many more. I wish she would just say it. I know it's selfish and it IS NOT about me, me it is. I am happy in my own way for her that she's ..Normal.

She once told me she knew how I felt the disappointment every month. (3 months)
I asked her if she had any idea how that sounded to someone trying over a year and LOST THREE PREGNANCIES? I forget her response but it was very close to: "No, But I do understand the disappointment." ....Not even close Honey.

At least I know that there are so many of us who have it MUCH MUCH worse than I do. Her comments to me (In my opinion) would be like me telling a woman who gave birth to a stillborn that "I understand.: NO I DON"T!

All of these thoughts had me thinking about so much else. Like the fact that my best friend has pictures of girls on her facebook from her mommy dates, but none of us who are childless. I mean seriously I just feel so extremely left out. Aside from the longing for baby..which is foremost, this is an aspect of infertility that is truly painful.

I feel like I am watching everyone I know through a window of a beautiful house. They are warm and laughing and having a great time and I am outside in the cold. They see me and wave to me smiling. They even try to talk to me through the glass but I can't really understand them. They don't now how cold it is or how badly I want to come in. I knock constantly but the door never opens. Well, I am sick of knocking, I want in!

And that was my rant for the day....Thanks, I needed that!

1 comment:

jessica56 said...

I want in too! Thanks for your post and your honesty- dealing with IF is the worst thing- but I am glad we all have the blogging world to talk to!