Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Our Monthly Cycle is a Cycle of so many things during IF

I have to admit that the week after I get AF I never feel like writing let alone thinking about IF. I take a mental sabbatical from it all since it is the only time when I know I don't have to be doing anything or wondering if "Am I,...Am I not?" Then, the time comes around to start thinking about trying. I think this is the time I am most hopeful and positive. After this, the trying begins and finally the dreaded wait.

I learned really quickly about my body and when I ovulate, blah blah blah. Almost two months in, I knew my body's every move. But I didn't realize that I was on an emotional cycle too. Month after month, I go through the same feelings at the same times. In a way, it's comforting to know that when I am n the rough spot, I will come out on the other side hopeful again like I have so many months before. I can't predict how long this will last but for right now, I have it figured out.

I am happy to say that even though I teach other people's children for a living, I am so happy to be a teacher. I enjoy the time with the kids and I have been having so much fun with them. I laugh a hundred times a day at the little darlings and even when I have a bad day, I can't complain too much because I do have joy for a huge part of every day.

Now back to my biggest struggle right now, dealing with pregnant people. Actually, not all pregnant people. Some seem to bother me much more than others. Like the girl at work. I dread having to see her grow and beam. I have to constantly ask myself "Do you really want to burn all of these bridges just because you can't handle seeing someone prego?" What if I am blessed and it happens? Do I resume close relationships? I mean, I am all about protecting myself because I am the one who has to live with this, BUT how much understanding can I expect from people. I suppose it's all in the way it's done. Distancing myself I mean.

Going through my posts, I feel like such a whiner! This is not my WHOLE life, but this is where I need to come to be the whiny complaining woe is me self. I doubt it's acceptable anywhere else haha.

Well, Thanks for listening.


Kim said...

This is totally the place to whine, bitch, complain and rant. Everyone reading understands exactly where you are. Feel what your are feeling and don't feel the need to apoligize for it. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

You are allowed to whine as much as you want. And you can even have more "wine" if you want.

(sometimes it helps)

Jill said...

Your blog is just that: your blog. Say anything you want and feel and forget about how it "sounds" to others. If they don't like, they don't have to read it! Hope things get better soon...

Noelle said...

I feel like what you said about resuming relationships after you are pregnant rang so true with me. You are closing yourself off. That is what I am doing. Right now I want NOTHING to do with pregnant people. I am a teacher, and can just feel it in my bones that this one lady is going to announce when we go back in August. I just want to hide.