Well hello there!

It's been an eternity since I have posted but certainly not since I have been reading up on everyone. Everything is going well. I have 5 weeks and 5 days left to go! Although judging by the size of me.. not that long probably. I haven't had too much to write about.. until now.

One of my greatest friends in the world. One of the ONLY two who helped me every step of the way through my ups and downs of IF, may be experiencing it too. She was so wonderful to me and I am feeling completely guilty for informing her so much about everything I went through.. because now I think I have instilled fear in her. She isn't actually trying yet, but she and her husband decided to go off the pill about 3 months ago. Well, still no period. I sent her to my gyno because she needed a new one anyway. After bloodwork he instantly decided to send her to a specialist.. my specialist. I am happy she is getting checked out, I am happy they have an idea of what they think her problems may be, but I am sick for her that she is now walking in the doors to all of these places that I spent 18 months crying to her about. She is staying positive because she has no reason not to be yet, but all I can think of is the fear she must have. How could she not wonder if her road ahead wil be like mine. Logically, everyone is different and her journey will be completely different, but the world of logic goes right out the door with IF doesn't it!

Well, my baby shower is this Sunday and I can't wait. I still have to pinch myself on a daily basis. Is it all real yet?? NOPE! But getting there every day. Wishing the best AS ALWAYS!!!!!

So much to be grateful for

I had an ultrasound this morning and was so tired that I just wanted to get home. After my nap I realized that I needed a reality check. It was such a short time ago that I was emotionally wounded because I couldn't keep a pregnancy. Now I get to look at my little girl on screen and I am so truly blessed. This miracle is none other than just that. She kicks me now and flips all over and opens and closes her mouth. I have pictures of her little feet and it's honestly almost too much to comprehend. It's as if no matter how real it seems to me now, it is still surreal. I have no clue if all woman feel this way or not but I sure do. I feel like each day I get closer to this dream I believed to be impossible. So glorious and miraculous and impossible.... for me.

A friend of mine is waiting to hear the results of her first IVF. I can't explain how hard I am praying and wishing for her. Because no matter how blessed I am, I wish I could pick each and every infertile woman out of infertility. It's so painful to go through and apparently, I need only to reread my posts to remember it all.. vividly. I sat here in tears rereading the beginning of my blog. It was almost a year ago and even though I expressed my sadness to a point, I was much much worse. I had no idea how to express it, and words aren't always enough. I remember crying in the middle of the night. I remember the jealousy. I mean PURE jealousy at other pregnant women. Not the I'm happy for you but I wish I had it kind of jealousy. I'm talking the I wish I was pregnant instead of you kind. I visualize this pain as a hole in my heart because it's exactly what it felt like. I honestly HATE that so many still have to deal with this hole. I HATE that reading this post might make someone feel sad. I know how deeply it hurts.

Now I have so much to be grateful for. Not only for this little lady, but because I am whole again. Every pair of maternity pants I buy, every time someone tells me I look big or cute, every time I feel my daughter move, I feel as though I am living in one of my previous daydreams. I can't believe it's me. I am picking colors for her nursery and getting ready to register. I am preparing to be a mommy. God gave me what I asked for and I am too overwhelmed to begin to put my thankfulness into words.

My baby isn't just a hypothetical anymore. I talk to her and rub her in my belly and know that she will never know how much I love her. It's not possible. As always, I wish the best for ALL of you.

It's a..

GIRL! I am so ecstatic. A little girl. Of course I would have been happy either way, but a little girl is like a dream come true. I can't believe I am this lucky. I keep trying to think that all of this was waiting for me when I was in the trenches of IF and i just couldn't see it. I am so happy.

I respect everyone's opinion on whether to find out or not. I always have. To each their own, but I HAVE to say this. Anyone who thinks it's not a surprise when you find out beforehand could not be more off. I was shocked and thrilled and cried my eyes out. It was the best moment of my life so far and I mean that. I got to tell everyone myself what I was having. F and I got to share the moment and I am so happy we made the choice to find out. I am so happy we know her. The excitement of getting used to saying "she" has been a thrill and our whole family is so excited to meet her.

Now I get to look forward to the Greatest moment of my life..seeing her face. This one will tide me over until then though ; )

I Hate WAITING!

Not much to blog about lately. School's out for summer, I am four months pregnant, I am heading to Hawaii for two weeks on July 16th, and I find out the sex on July 14th...... 2009 is turning out to be more than I EVER dreamed of. Maybe it's my turn after a HORRIBLE 2008. Either way, I'm loving life right now and hope all of you are too!

The End is Near

At my RE office. They told me today that I graduate next week. I can't believe it. What happened? When did this happen? All the nurse's were saying how fast it went and I can't believe it, but I agree. I am a little scared but happy at the same time. Is this real? Am I going to have a baby? Ridiculous questions to some people at almost 10 weeks pregnant, but I am asking them nonetheless. The little muffin was wiggling around today and I have been on the verge of tears(of joy) all day.

I hate rereading this blog. I never hear me. I have always been the life of the party/ funny girl but this blog is so dark. I guess it's where I can see what IF did to me. How it changed me. But I want to put an end to the darkness. I need to find a way of writing the real me. I am so happy to b pregnant. I hope it will catch up to me that it means I will have a baby in 7 months from today. FROM TODAY. I am baffled and confused and can not seem to make the connection. I bet all pregnant women feel like this at least for a minute.

9 Weeks and a LONG day

So I think I have mentioned repeatedly how tired I am. It's seriously ridiculous. Now, I have always been a tired person. I have always enjoyed naps after work. I'm talking like 2 hour naps too. But lately, I get no relief from the naps or sleeping. I wake up tired! I was in bed by 9:15 last night until 7:15 am. A very good night's sleep right?? Well then why now at 11:30 am am I yawning in front of my poor students too tired to talk? I am literally too tired to teach. Thank god I need to catch up on writing assignments which require a lot of independent work on their part. Small favors....

Now to top this off, I usually drive home like a maniac so I can be napping by 3:30. I am very lucky for my teacher's schedule right now. BUT.... dun dun dun dun... I am starting school for my masters tonight. 4:15 to 9:30. The old me would have cringed at the thought of this. This version of me is seriously wondering how I am going to make it. Right now I feel like I could sleep standing up. Put me in a class for 5 hours and there is NO telling what will happen. I am staying away from caffeine but do you think that I could splurge on Tuesdays?? I don't know. I doubt I will. But this is scary to me. Sleep is Priority numero uno at this point.

I am not complaining about being tired. In fact, of all the pregnancy symptoms to get, it's not too bad. I mean, I havent felt sick more than twice so I am pretty lucky. I would gladly accept (maybe with a few complaints) anything I have to do to get a healthy baby here, but darn it if being exhausted every second of the day doesn't make it difficult to accomplish things! I am a neat freak whose house looks like it belongs to someone else. F tries to help but he works constantly and to be honest, he doesn't clean the way I like it to be done. I can handle a less than perfect house right now though. I just hope I get a little more energy soon so I can be of some use... to myself.

Enough rambling. Hope all is well.

8 weeks

I am happy today. Not that 8 weeks is a magical milestone, but I am happy because I am starting to believe I am pregnant. I know it may sound crazy but I have been trying so hard not to get excited that I didn't realize that it was actually working. Last Friday when I saw the heartbeat again at 166, I saw things from a new point of view. I saw my baby. So tiny and so new but I felt like I was withholding myself from this little guy( I keep saying guy). I felt sad for myself and the baby. No matter what happens, what is happening now is real and I am so happy to be here. I am still praying hard and taking special care, but here I am still getting great news on every doctor's appointment. I need to enjoy this. I need to start dreaming of the possibilities. I am already in love.