Friday, April 24, 2009


I saw and heard the heartbeat today. 6 weeks 3 days 122 beats per minute. Amazing. I feel so lucky to be this far.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


I keep yawning all day long. In fact the only pregnancy symptom I seem to have is tiredness and yawning. That aside from my boobs hurting every two days. I am just going to consider myself lucky.

I honestly can't wait to go back to the doctor's on Friday. I am so looking forward to seeing the heartbeat. I have calmed down a lot and taken advice from other blogs to not worry so much about the things I can't control. I'm not sure if the people who wrote that had 3 miscarriages in a row, but in any case it's still good advice. A little tougher for someone like me, but good advice nonetheless.

Friday, April 17, 2009

She's Baaaack.

This is exactly what the nurse said when I walked into the doctor's office this morning. Granted, I have been in panic mode since I found out I was pregnant, but isn't that normal? I can't be the first person at the RE to be terrified of another loss right? I was embarrassed at first, but then I thought... Who the F cares. If I can come in more than average and get peace of mind, then so be it. I don't care WHO I annoy. But, I would like to say, I am a very quiet person (at the docs office anyway.) I don't rant and rave, I apologize repeatedly for being a pain. I love the people at the office buta little more understanding could be just what the doctor SHOULD order.

Anyway, how can I complain about anything when all I keep getting is good news. My hcg levels are "excellent" and today I saw the yolk sac. Now, if I can make it to net week to see the heartbeat, I may just start to relax ... a little.

Have a GREAT weekend!!!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Another obstacle down

I went in for my first ultrasound this morning. I am only 5 weeks so all we saw was a black dot. he doctor said it looks perfect. I am getting excited but trying to still guard my emotions.... Fat Chance! I wish I could be as positive as my doctor. He said " It looks absolutely beautiful. It couldn't look any better." I was like "Uh yeah ok." He said congratulations to me and then to "dad". I think F almost teared up.

I am going to enjoy this. I am pregnant. No matter what happens, right now, I am pregnant. The fear will probably never subside and I just have to face that. I am praying for myself and all f you too.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Beta #3

732!! Now I am going to sit back and relax and enjoy. Whatever happens is out of my hands and I read in another blog earlier that I can chose to worry every second, or I can enjoy what I have right now. Three Great betas mean I need to enjoy this milestone.

BTW, I should play 723 in the lottery. My second beta was 273!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

My First Sigh in Two Days


Thank you so much for your pryers and positive thoughts. I will write back more when I stop shaking.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I can't Stand it

I need to let it out.

So, the reason I "knew" the other pregnancies were failing were because I lost all my symptoms over night. Literally, overnight. So I woke up this morning and my boobs don't hurt nearly as bad. I know people will say try to relax and everything else, but how can I when this is exactly what led to the demise of the others? I go in for my second beta tomorrow but I feel like I already know what the results will be. I did before. It's just impossible for me not to compare. I am so afraid that this is just another notch on my "loss belt." I just don't want to be sad again. It takes a lot out of me. I swear I wasn't myself again after the last one for many months. I want to avoid that almost as much as I want a baby.

Keep praying for me. I need it so much now.

Monday, April 6, 2009

I took a test

*If today is a bad day for you STOP here.*

I got a BFP this morning! I am very guarded though. I can't go over the moon excited as I have been in these shoes before.. three times. I woke up at about 6:30. I couldn't go another day without testing. I FULLY expected to see negative but I didn't care. I just wanted the curiosity OVER with! The wondering was getting to me and since I am on progesterone, I was seriously acting like a crazy woman! SO.. I took the test, watched the second line form and paced the house for about 5 minutes. I am grateful, but a little sad that all I really feel right now is... terror. This could very well happen to me all over again. Another loss. I know I shouldn't approach it like that, but the time I let myself get fully excited was almost too much for me to handle when it didn't work out. I called the doc immediately and didn't even tell F. I just went to the doc.

I have off this week since I am a Philadelphia public school teacher so I was lucky I could head right into the doctor's. I was shaking the whole drive there. In fact that's all I actually remember about the drive haha. Anyway, they took my blood and congratulated me and told me they would call with the results. Well, they just called. My 13dpo beta is 100. Is that ok?? I know the last one I had was 50 on day 15, so I know this one is better, but is it too low? Oh god these are the thoughts only someone with IF would ask. Other people just get to be happy! Boo hoo for me I know, BUT I will say that the pain of getting this far and lsing it is worse to me than having a negative test. I have got to be guarded even though I know I am stronger this time than I was last time. Please pray for me. This is truly my scariest time. I need to try to relax!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

The Waiting Game

So I am 9 DPO and have few more days to see if the iui worked. I am not over analyzing or anything, but this wait really never gets any easier does it. Put that on top of 35 day cycles too. I am on day 29 which for many women would mean the end of the wait. Not me. But I guess I h=can have some hope for a few more days. If this doesn't work.... Well I'll talk about that if it happens. I can handle it.

I started acupuncture this week! The woman told me she thinks she can help me. She honestly was more thorough with me than any of my doctors. She asked questions about everything. It felt really good to have someone so interested in my own particular story. She said she tailors to people because everyone is so different. She offered suggestions and I don't know why, but I felt really ... Right. Like I knew what she was saying was right.

She told me to keep losing weight, not that I'm obese but I could definitely stand to lose some. She said that I may want to take a break from clomid and I agree. It's not really getting me anywhere. I am going back to see her next Tuesday. I have to mention also, that I left the place Extremely Relaxed! I didn't talk the whole way home, not because I had nothing to say, but becuse I was relaxed and content being quiet.

So, wish me luck in the next few days! I'll take what i can get; )