Over 5 years

Five years gone in the blink of an eye! My baby girl is a kindergartener at the very school I teach at, and my baby boy is 3 years old! I'm so happy I have this blog to look back on and even happier I have it for others to read.. for them to know they aren't alone ; )

Spring is in the Air

I love Spring. After the winter we had with almost 80 inches of snow, I am so glad to be getting outside. My tulips are in bloom, the sun is shining(not today actually) and it just feels.. happy. I always forget how much I adore this season until the first few days of it. Even the smell makes me smile.

Brynn is amazing. I think the hardest part about being her mother is restraining from talking about her non stop.. I could do it. Don't tempt me. Every move she makes amazes me! She discovered her voice two weeks ago and talks all day long. I was in a store last week and my mom had her right outside the doors. The entire time I could hear my girl yelling. It's too cute for words. I really mean that. I can't describe the joyfulness in her voice. My girl. Living and breathing and yelling! It was surreal to me while I waited in line. That I can HEAR my child. You would think at some point that I will have accepted that I have a child, but to be honest, I'm still in awe. She'll be 4 months old this weekend. 4 months???? You mean 4 weeks right? The time is flying. I must have read that line from other mamas a million times, but to experience it is insane. I guess it's why everyone talks about it. And here I am talking about it. Like it's never been said before. For those of you still waiting on your miracle, you'll see. Easy for me to say, I know I know. But you will. You will. You'll be writing about how fast time is going by too.

I have to mention that I dress this girl up like a doll. I had a photographer come and do a tutu photo shoot. I mean.. this is girly on crack. Brynn Elizabeth is the first girl in my family in 25 years! And the FIRST in F's family. I plan to doll her up as long as I can. I'm pretty sure I'm forcing her into Tomboyhood. Who cares. She's my Brynn and I love her. .. Oh and she LOVES me too. Listen, I have been an aunt for 28 years!!! SInce I was 5. I LOVE being an aunt. My nephews are so great. The relationship I have with one of them is never to be replaced. HE is my buddy for life. But One thing I love about being a mommy.. and this might be selfish, I love that I am her first choice. I finally get to be the mom. The first pick. The one she'll want when she's hurt, or sad or maybe even happy. She'll want me. All of the time put in raising her will have the greatest pay out. My baby wants me. She can't love me like I love her of course. I'm the fool in love, but I am her mother. God I love that word... now.

How did I get so blessed???? Do I appreciate everything more? Good questions that I guess I'll never really know the answers to. I'm willing to be at peace with that. I have a beautiful little girl. Who just happens to sleep from 7 to 7. Who just hapens to be smiley. Who just happens to make my whole life better. Who just happened to bring me back from the dead. She saved my life. The wait for her at this point seems like a small price.

Hold on to your hopes girls. The pain you feel will leave you someday. You NEVER know what is right ahead of you. My prayers are with you that your wait will be over very, very, very soon.

More than I ever expected.

I can't possibly sum up my feelings about being a new mother. I am blessed with a great baby. Not only is she adorable beyond words but this kid is GOOD! She sleeps through the night with one bottle, loves bath time, smiles all the time(and NO, I don't think it's GAS! ; )

Bragging new mom.... HELL TO THE YES!

I keep thinking to myself that this is all so much better than I even dreamed. It seems so natural too. I took Brynn for a walk today and was thinking about this time last year. Man.... Night and Day. IF will ALWAYS be a part of me. Always. I hate to say this, but some of the IF trials I went though have made this whole experience better. For me. I speak only for myself. God, I never thought I would have these thoughts. Am I really grateful for all the pain? Now, from the other side of IF.. the answer is yes. I hope that it turn out this way for all of you.

In Love

Brynn Elizabeth made her debut! I am speechless. There are no words for this kind of love.

Due Today

It takes effort to blog here for me. I don't know why. I check my blog every day. I read other people everyday. Writing just doesn't seem to be something I have a drive to do. I guess it could be a million things. Maybe I only wrote through the bad times, maybe it reminds me of bad times, maybe I'm more superstitious than I thought. Whatever the case may be, I am forcing myself to write on the day I have waited for since April 6, 2009.

Today, at my last Dr. appointment, I sat in the waiting room and started to think about when all of this began. I thought about the day we went for the iui and some funny things that happened to me and F that day. I was laughing to myself and letting myself savor the last days of this pregnancy. I remembered telling F that this was it and I knew it worked. I remembered him being shocked at my optimism. It was so different from the previous year and a half. I was peaceful then and I have a peace now too. This pregnancy has been the blessing of my life so far. I said to a friend that now, and ONLY now I may just even feel blessed to have gone through what I did. I see so very many differences in myself. I am stronger. I am happier. I take nothing for granted with this baby. I see differences in me compared to the pregnant women around me too. As many pregnancies surrounded me before mine, just as many happened during mine. I hear the normal complaints, I hear the "I can't believe it happened so fast" comments. I listen to people say I can't wait until this is over and I hear them say I am going to miss sleeping and just packing up and going. I am different. I remain quiet. I am careful not to expose the ridiculous amount of joy I have. I am careful to blend in amongst the other mommies to be, but I think that compared to some of them, I am so lucky. I fought long and hard and it changed this entire experience. I ALWAYS dreamed of mommyhood. I know I would have been happy no matter when I was blessed with this gift, but it's impossible to not appreciate it more than average after traveling to hell and back. Just. Impossible. I'm overwhelmed and in denial and excited and bursting with excitement and seeing my daughter for the first time.

I have dreamed of the day of writing a letter to my baby. I have held off. But today, on my due date, the only one I have ever reached, seems like the absolute perfect time to do it. I want it to be here. I want it to be now.

Dear Little B,

I have dreamed of the day I would write you this letter. I have dreamed of letting you know with words how I feel at this magical moment in my life. The first thing I want you to know is that I have never ever been happier in my life. Waiting for you to arrive and having you become my daughter has been the greatest joy in my life so far. I feel like no other baby ever born has been wanted so much. You are everything to daddy and me.

We talk about you all the time. We even make fun of you. We call you the "Big Girl" because my belly is so big. We imagine you coming out with a personality like me but you seem wild like your daddy. When he blows raspberries on my belly you jump every time. When I drink cold water you get as far as possible from my stomach. I think you like being warm. Every move you make brings us joy. We are the luckiest people on Earth because you are ours.

We may not know what you look like. We don't know the sound of your cry or your likes and dislikes. We have guesses though. I think you'll be blonde and blue eyed like daddy. When I see pictures of you they tell me you have chubby cheeks. A picture of your feet tells me you have daddy's feet too! In two days, I'll finally know the answers to the questions I have about your looks. The truth is, none of it matters to me. You are my daughter and I love you forever. We waited so long for you and nothing has been more worth the wait. Daddy and I look forward to doing lots of fun things with you. We can't wait to take you to the beach and to watch you open presents from Santa. You are loved beyond any words I can say or write. You are meant to be mine. I know that in my heart. It was you who I waited for my whole life. I can't wait to see you, hold you, teach you and watch you grow. Only two more days little girl. Life is about to change for you and for me.... forever.

I love you,
Mommy

Well hello there!

It's been an eternity since I have posted but certainly not since I have been reading up on everyone. Everything is going well. I have 5 weeks and 5 days left to go! Although judging by the size of me.. not that long probably. I haven't had too much to write about.. until now.

One of my greatest friends in the world. One of the ONLY two who helped me every step of the way through my ups and downs of IF, may be experiencing it too. She was so wonderful to me and I am feeling completely guilty for informing her so much about everything I went through.. because now I think I have instilled fear in her. She isn't actually trying yet, but she and her husband decided to go off the pill about 3 months ago. Well, still no period. I sent her to my gyno because she needed a new one anyway. After bloodwork he instantly decided to send her to a specialist.. my specialist. I am happy she is getting checked out, I am happy they have an idea of what they think her problems may be, but I am sick for her that she is now walking in the doors to all of these places that I spent 18 months crying to her about. She is staying positive because she has no reason not to be yet, but all I can think of is the fear she must have. How could she not wonder if her road ahead wil be like mine. Logically, everyone is different and her journey will be completely different, but the world of logic goes right out the door with IF doesn't it!

Well, my baby shower is this Sunday and I can't wait. I still have to pinch myself on a daily basis. Is it all real yet?? NOPE! But getting there every day. Wishing the best AS ALWAYS!!!!!

So much to be grateful for

I had an ultrasound this morning and was so tired that I just wanted to get home. After my nap I realized that I needed a reality check. It was such a short time ago that I was emotionally wounded because I couldn't keep a pregnancy. Now I get to look at my little girl on screen and I am so truly blessed. This miracle is none other than just that. She kicks me now and flips all over and opens and closes her mouth. I have pictures of her little feet and it's honestly almost too much to comprehend. It's as if no matter how real it seems to me now, it is still surreal. I have no clue if all woman feel this way or not but I sure do. I feel like each day I get closer to this dream I believed to be impossible. So glorious and miraculous and impossible.... for me.

A friend of mine is waiting to hear the results of her first IVF. I can't explain how hard I am praying and wishing for her. Because no matter how blessed I am, I wish I could pick each and every infertile woman out of infertility. It's so painful to go through and apparently, I need only to reread my posts to remember it all.. vividly. I sat here in tears rereading the beginning of my blog. It was almost a year ago and even though I expressed my sadness to a point, I was much much worse. I had no idea how to express it, and words aren't always enough. I remember crying in the middle of the night. I remember the jealousy. I mean PURE jealousy at other pregnant women. Not the I'm happy for you but I wish I had it kind of jealousy. I'm talking the I wish I was pregnant instead of you kind. I visualize this pain as a hole in my heart because it's exactly what it felt like. I honestly HATE that so many still have to deal with this hole. I HATE that reading this post might make someone feel sad. I know how deeply it hurts.

Now I have so much to be grateful for. Not only for this little lady, but because I am whole again. Every pair of maternity pants I buy, every time someone tells me I look big or cute, every time I feel my daughter move, I feel as though I am living in one of my previous daydreams. I can't believe it's me. I am picking colors for her nursery and getting ready to register. I am preparing to be a mommy. God gave me what I asked for and I am too overwhelmed to begin to put my thankfulness into words.

My baby isn't just a hypothetical anymore. I talk to her and rub her in my belly and know that she will never know how much I love her. It's not possible. As always, I wish the best for ALL of you.

It's a..

GIRL! I am so ecstatic. A little girl. Of course I would have been happy either way, but a little girl is like a dream come true. I can't believe I am this lucky. I keep trying to think that all of this was waiting for me when I was in the trenches of IF and i just couldn't see it. I am so happy.

I respect everyone's opinion on whether to find out or not. I always have. To each their own, but I HAVE to say this. Anyone who thinks it's not a surprise when you find out beforehand could not be more off. I was shocked and thrilled and cried my eyes out. It was the best moment of my life so far and I mean that. I got to tell everyone myself what I was having. F and I got to share the moment and I am so happy we made the choice to find out. I am so happy we know her. The excitement of getting used to saying "she" has been a thrill and our whole family is so excited to meet her.

Now I get to look forward to the Greatest moment of my life..seeing her face. This one will tide me over until then though ; )

I Hate WAITING!

Not much to blog about lately. School's out for summer, I am four months pregnant, I am heading to Hawaii for two weeks on July 16th, and I find out the sex on July 14th...... 2009 is turning out to be more than I EVER dreamed of. Maybe it's my turn after a HORRIBLE 2008. Either way, I'm loving life right now and hope all of you are too!

The End is Near

At my RE office. They told me today that I graduate next week. I can't believe it. What happened? When did this happen? All the nurse's were saying how fast it went and I can't believe it, but I agree. I am a little scared but happy at the same time. Is this real? Am I going to have a baby? Ridiculous questions to some people at almost 10 weeks pregnant, but I am asking them nonetheless. The little muffin was wiggling around today and I have been on the verge of tears(of joy) all day.

I hate rereading this blog. I never hear me. I have always been the life of the party/ funny girl but this blog is so dark. I guess it's where I can see what IF did to me. How it changed me. But I want to put an end to the darkness. I need to find a way of writing the real me. I am so happy to b pregnant. I hope it will catch up to me that it means I will have a baby in 7 months from today. FROM TODAY. I am baffled and confused and can not seem to make the connection. I bet all pregnant women feel like this at least for a minute.

9 Weeks and a LONG day

So I think I have mentioned repeatedly how tired I am. It's seriously ridiculous. Now, I have always been a tired person. I have always enjoyed naps after work. I'm talking like 2 hour naps too. But lately, I get no relief from the naps or sleeping. I wake up tired! I was in bed by 9:15 last night until 7:15 am. A very good night's sleep right?? Well then why now at 11:30 am am I yawning in front of my poor students too tired to talk? I am literally too tired to teach. Thank god I need to catch up on writing assignments which require a lot of independent work on their part. Small favors....

Now to top this off, I usually drive home like a maniac so I can be napping by 3:30. I am very lucky for my teacher's schedule right now. BUT.... dun dun dun dun... I am starting school for my masters tonight. 4:15 to 9:30. The old me would have cringed at the thought of this. This version of me is seriously wondering how I am going to make it. Right now I feel like I could sleep standing up. Put me in a class for 5 hours and there is NO telling what will happen. I am staying away from caffeine but do you think that I could splurge on Tuesdays?? I don't know. I doubt I will. But this is scary to me. Sleep is Priority numero uno at this point.

I am not complaining about being tired. In fact, of all the pregnancy symptoms to get, it's not too bad. I mean, I havent felt sick more than twice so I am pretty lucky. I would gladly accept (maybe with a few complaints) anything I have to do to get a healthy baby here, but darn it if being exhausted every second of the day doesn't make it difficult to accomplish things! I am a neat freak whose house looks like it belongs to someone else. F tries to help but he works constantly and to be honest, he doesn't clean the way I like it to be done. I can handle a less than perfect house right now though. I just hope I get a little more energy soon so I can be of some use... to myself.

Enough rambling. Hope all is well.

8 weeks

I am happy today. Not that 8 weeks is a magical milestone, but I am happy because I am starting to believe I am pregnant. I know it may sound crazy but I have been trying so hard not to get excited that I didn't realize that it was actually working. Last Friday when I saw the heartbeat again at 166, I saw things from a new point of view. I saw my baby. So tiny and so new but I felt like I was withholding myself from this little guy( I keep saying guy). I felt sad for myself and the baby. No matter what happens, what is happening now is real and I am so happy to be here. I am still praying hard and taking special care, but here I am still getting great news on every doctor's appointment. I need to enjoy this. I need to start dreaming of the possibilities. I am already in love.

Ahh

I saw and heard the heartbeat today. 6 weeks 3 days 122 beats per minute. Amazing. I feel so lucky to be this far.

Yawn

I keep yawning all day long. In fact the only pregnancy symptom I seem to have is tiredness and yawning. That aside from my boobs hurting every two days. I am just going to consider myself lucky.

I honestly can't wait to go back to the doctor's on Friday. I am so looking forward to seeing the heartbeat. I have calmed down a lot and taken advice from other blogs to not worry so much about the things I can't control. I'm not sure if the people who wrote that had 3 miscarriages in a row, but in any case it's still good advice. A little tougher for someone like me, but good advice nonetheless.

She's Baaaack.

This is exactly what the nurse said when I walked into the doctor's office this morning. Granted, I have been in panic mode since I found out I was pregnant, but isn't that normal? I can't be the first person at the RE to be terrified of another loss right? I was embarrassed at first, but then I thought... Who the F cares. If I can come in more than average and get peace of mind, then so be it. I don't care WHO I annoy. But, I would like to say, I am a very quiet person (at the docs office anyway.) I don't rant and rave, I apologize repeatedly for being a pain. I love the people at the office buta little more understanding could be just what the doctor SHOULD order.

Anyway, how can I complain about anything when all I keep getting is good news. My hcg levels are "excellent" and today I saw the yolk sac. Now, if I can make it to net week to see the heartbeat, I may just start to relax ... a little.

Have a GREAT weekend!!!

Another obstacle down

I went in for my first ultrasound this morning. I am only 5 weeks so all we saw was a black dot. he doctor said it looks perfect. I am getting excited but trying to still guard my emotions.... Fat Chance! I wish I could be as positive as my doctor. He said " It looks absolutely beautiful. It couldn't look any better." I was like "Uh yeah ok." He said congratulations to me and then to "dad". I think F almost teared up.

I am going to enjoy this. I am pregnant. No matter what happens, right now, I am pregnant. The fear will probably never subside and I just have to face that. I am praying for myself and all f you too.

Beta #3

732!! Now I am going to sit back and relax and enjoy. Whatever happens is out of my hands and I read in another blog earlier that I can chose to worry every second, or I can enjoy what I have right now. Three Great betas mean I need to enjoy this milestone.

BTW, I should play 723 in the lottery. My second beta was 273!

My First Sigh in Two Days

273.

Thank you so much for your pryers and positive thoughts. I will write back more when I stop shaking.

I can't Stand it

I need to let it out.

So, the reason I "knew" the other pregnancies were failing were because I lost all my symptoms over night. Literally, overnight. So I woke up this morning and my boobs don't hurt nearly as bad. I know people will say try to relax and everything else, but how can I when this is exactly what led to the demise of the others? I go in for my second beta tomorrow but I feel like I already know what the results will be. I did before. It's just impossible for me not to compare. I am so afraid that this is just another notch on my "loss belt." I just don't want to be sad again. It takes a lot out of me. I swear I wasn't myself again after the last one for many months. I want to avoid that almost as much as I want a baby.

Keep praying for me. I need it so much now.

I took a test

*If today is a bad day for you STOP here.*

I got a BFP this morning! I am very guarded though. I can't go over the moon excited as I have been in these shoes before.. three times. I woke up at about 6:30. I couldn't go another day without testing. I FULLY expected to see negative but I didn't care. I just wanted the curiosity OVER with! The wondering was getting to me and since I am on progesterone, I was seriously acting like a crazy woman! SO.. I took the test, watched the second line form and paced the house for about 5 minutes. I am grateful, but a little sad that all I really feel right now is... terror. This could very well happen to me all over again. Another loss. I know I shouldn't approach it like that, but the time I let myself get fully excited was almost too much for me to handle when it didn't work out. I called the doc immediately and didn't even tell F. I just went to the doc.


I have off this week since I am a Philadelphia public school teacher so I was lucky I could head right into the doctor's. I was shaking the whole drive there. In fact that's all I actually remember about the drive haha. Anyway, they took my blood and congratulated me and told me they would call with the results. Well, they just called. My 13dpo beta is 100. Is that ok?? I know the last one I had was 50 on day 15, so I know this one is better, but is it too low? Oh god these are the thoughts only someone with IF would ask. Other people just get to be happy! Boo hoo for me I know, BUT I will say that the pain of getting this far and lsing it is worse to me than having a negative test. I have got to be guarded even though I know I am stronger this time than I was last time. Please pray for me. This is truly my scariest time. I need to try to relax!